Listening To: Grand Theft Audio : Resin Dogs

Allright groovers … Disappearing Boy is so bored at work right now he’s about to sink to a new all-time low in time-wasting depravity !!! Here for the curious is a list of my current Top 10 Celebrity Shags … feel free to critique and / or compile your own !

(1) Jessica Alba

Truth be told, I only ever watched one or two episodes of “Dark Angel”, and I still haven’t seen “Honey” … but who cares ? Dark-haired beauty with great legs, great smile, and surprisingly normal fashion sense for a Hollywood celebrity (apart from an unfortunate tendency to wear dresses over jeans … hellooo .. Jess … that’s a BAAAD look !) … I think we have a winner, folks !

(2) Salma Hayek

“Ch-ello, my name’s Salma, and I’m a busty, brunette, latin Goddess. Quinten Tarantino sucked my foot in ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’, and I grow a pretty mean lookin ‘mo if I forget to depillate, but right now I just wanna know … are you gonna go my way ?” Does a bear shit in the woods baby ?

(3) Angelina Jolie

By all accounts, John Voigt’s daughter is a knife collecting, tattoo loving, bisexual, nyphomaniac, with an affinity for snakes and a penchant for carrying around people’s blood in vials. To which I say … “hey, you got a problem with that ? Look at her legs, look at her arse … look at those lips fer chrissakes !” Fair enough … Billy Bob Thornton has been down there which is a bit of a creepy thought, but you’d just have to do your best to block that out of your mind I guess and concentrate on matters at hand …

(4) Julie Delphie

Blonde, French and utterly divine. Notable for roles in ‘Three Colours White’, ‘Killing Zoe’ and ‘Before Sunrise’ … I don’t think any more needs to be said really …

(5) Paris Hilton

You know, it’s funny. Back in the day, my reaction to the Pamela Anderson + Tommy Lee video was “well, well, well … you skanky, trailer-trash ho … why doesn’t this surprise me ?”. But I got the Paris tape the other day and I’ve actually ended up feeling really sorry for her as a result, because it’s readily apparent to even the most cynical observer how completely niave verging on the retarded this girl was at the time, and how shamelessly Shannen Doherty’s ex (Rick Soloman) exploited that for his own ends ! Mind you it wouldn’t stop me from doing the dirty with the heiress in question. “Saaay … Paris … have you got a minute ? I think you’re really sexy … no that’s right, I never liked Delta Goodram either …”

(6) Sarah Michelle Gellar

“Hi I’m Sarah, but you can call me Buffy. Everyone else does …” “That’s OK baby. Say … have you ever been ‘staked’ ?” “No, why ?” “Well, I got a pretty special stake right here in my pants, and …” “Can my husband watch ?” “What ? Freddie Prinze ? He’s gay ? You gotta be kidding me !”

(7) Halle Berry

Well I’ve certainly never been averse to a bit of mocha, if you know what I mean. And having an Oscar or two under her belt doesn’t hurt either. Although … she could definitely leave the cat-suit at home methinks … coz that was a stinker of a movie !

(8) Delta Goodram

OK so I’d be lying to Paris Hilton … :) Granted, Delta shits me … her songs shit me, her massive media over-exposure shits me even more, and I really don’t give a toss about the whole thing with Mark Phillipousis. But she’s pretty (even prettier now with the dark-bob hairstyle), and as long as she didn’t try sing at me I think I could bring myself to forgive the Australian media’s fascination with her, at least for a little while. “Saaay … Delta … have you got a minute ? I think you’re really sexy … yeah, that’s right, that Paris chick is a real bitch …”

(9) Gwynneth Paltrow

Very, very tragic, I know. But if anyone epitomises the term “yummy mummy”, it’s Bruce & Blythe’s oft-maligned daughter. “Hi, I’m Gwyneth … have you seen my husband anywhere ?” “Sorry, you mean that tosser from Coldplay ? I think I saw him fighting with a Paparazzo a little while back. Tell you what though, I’ve got something in my pants that looks a bit like your husbands cranium … would you like to see it ?”

(10) Jude Law

Don’t get me wrong gang, I don’t normally swing both ways. But I think for this particular specimen of supreme male godliness, I could make an exception. He smouldered in ‘Gatteca’ as the bed-ridden specimen of genetic perfection, rocked in ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ as good-time boy Dicky Greenleaf, and stole the show in AI as Gigolo Joe. With his piercing blue eyes and fantastic bone-structure, there’s only one thing to say. “Hey Jude, how you doing man ? Say, I dropped my soap just over there by your foot, would you mind bending over to pick it up for me ?”

And there you have it guys, for what its worth those are my Celebrity Top 10 of the moment … what are yours ?