Listening To: No One Ever Really Dies : N.E.R.D

Most people think they can’t extract better than factory standard performance from their Llama. But DB is here to tell you this is simply a nasty ridiculous vicious lie rumour friends and fans, and with only a few minor tweeks you too can increase your Llama’s performance by anything between 80 to 150%, depending on the model. Just follow the steps below:

(1) Locate the Llamas anterior service port.

On most models, you’ll find this on the animals left buttock, just above and slightly behind the left hind leg. The exceptions to this rule are the ‘El Mucho Loco’ Llamas produced by the Rodriguez Brothers factory in Bolivia, and the ‘Sendero Luminoso Llama XP+’ units from NarkSoft Systems of Columbia. The former have their anterior service ports on the right-hand side, while the latter manufacturer has taken the unusual step of hiding the service port on the animals under-side, behind a hinged false-testicle configuration.

(2) Using a standard ¼-inch Phillips Head Screwdriver, remove the service port cover.

This shouldn’t present a problem on any of the models, although the additional use of a tranquiliser gun is advised in the case of the aformentioned ‘Sendero Luminoso’ XP+’s … although their testicles are indeed false and must be levered up to access the service port, the Llamas don’t know that and can get understandably agitated when someone tries to poke them in the nads with a screwdriver. And believe me fans, the last place you want to be is the wrong end of an angry Llama !

(3) Within the anterior service port, you’ll find the animals compliance plates and manufacturer information tag.

Note down the Llamas chasis number, series identification code and favourite alcoholic beverage on a piece of random scrap paper. Then get distracted by your partner yelling that dinner is ready, jam the scrap paper into your pocket and forget about overclocking the Llama for the next three days. By the time you next attempt to work on the Llama, you will have lost the scrap of paper and have to go through the first 3 steps again. This time around, don’t bother with the chasis number or the series identification code – all you really need to know is the Llamas favourite alcoholic beverage.

(4) Using a 4.5¾-cubit Gripley, remove the anterior spittle-inhibitor to expose the Llama’s co-processor socket.

Be very careful not to damage the inhibitor while doing this, or your Llama will be prone to uncontrolled spittle build-up and hocking excessive loogeys from that day forward. Also, note that the ‘El Mucho Loco’ factory models don’t have a spittle inhibitor as such – they simply use a modified saliva-tract which, while effective in curbing excessive spittle build-up, also gives their Llama’s indigestion and a resulting grouchy disposition. ‘El Mucho Loco’ models simply have a leather socket-cover modelled in the likeness of Jesus – which can be removed using the plastic spoon from a McSundae.

(5) Depending on what your Llamas favourite alcoholic beverage is, you need to install one of the following chips within the co-processor socket:

(A) Vodka or Tequila
Install a Red-Bull chip.

(B) Bourbon or Rum
Install a Coke chip.

(C) Vermouth
Install a secondary Vermouth processor, and be sure to feed your Llama a couple of green olives once every few days.

(D) Absinthe
Regardless of anything else the compliance plates and manufacturer information tags say, you’ve been sold an ‘El Mucho Loco’ Llama, which may or may not also have the required saliva-tract modification. More often than not the chasis number will be along the lines of ‘XXX-666-XXXXX-wO0T’. You really don’t need to overclock these babies – a Llama that drinks absinthe is sure to be one nasty piece of work already ! But if you really, really, REALLY want to overclock one of these things anyway, then install a Sprite chip in its co-processor socket. Just don’t blame me if it runs around town smashing up crockery and spitting at policemen, and then tries to eat your first-born while claiming loudly in an unearthly, demonic voice “I am Pazuzu, destroyer of worlds, weep and tremble mere mortal, for the time has come to wedge a red hot poker firmly between the buttocks of your pitiful earhtly existence”.

(6) Finally, replace the service port cover and reset your Llamas behaviour codex, using the rectal micro-switch located in all cases about 8 inches up the animals rear passage.

The use of an(other) tranquiliser dart is recommended at this point, along with rubber gloves and a good supply of water-based lubricant. KY-Jelly or Wetstuff tend to be good brand choices, although I’ll leave the flavour selection to you.

That’s it – enjoy, grooveriders !