Listening To: Mezzanine : Massive Attack

It’s a bit of a slow one at work today (massive understatement of the decade), so I’ve been trawling through multiple weblogs and generally trying to look busy while actually doing sweet FA. On my travels I came across this meme on Sars’ blog – a bit of an ‘etiquette guide’ for the over 25′s. I’m going to paraphrase her introduction to you with only a bit of tweakage, because it really doesn’t need that much improvement.

If you’ve reached the age of 25, I’ve got a bit of bad news for you : it’s time, if you haven’t already done so, for you to emerge from the cocoon of post-adolescent dithering and self-absorbtion and join the rest of us in the REAL world. Past the quarter-century mark, certain actions, attitudes, and behaviors will simply no longer do, and while it might seem unpleasant to feign a maturity and solicitousness towards others that you may not genuinely feel, it is not only appreciated by others but necessary for your ongoing survival. Continuing to insist past this point that good manners, thoughtfulness, and grooming oppress you in some way is inappropriate and irritating, and will make it all that much harder for you to ‘land a decent partner’ (boy/girl/tree/rock – whatever floats your boat) in the bargain.

Grow up !

I don’t mean that you should read up on mortgage rates, stop wearing g-strings bearing muppet images, or desist from substituting the word “poo” for crucial syllables of movie titles. Silliness is not only still permitted but actively encouraged. You must, however, stop viewing carelessness, tactlessness, helplessness, or any other quality better suited to a child as either charming or somehow beyond your control. A certain grace period for the development of basic consideration and self-sufficiency is assumed, but once you’ve turned 25, the grace period is over, and starring in a film in your head in which you walk the earth alone is no longer considered a valid lifestyle choice, but rather grounds for social leprosy.

Now, I don’t necessarily agree with most of the points she’s raised, but it IS an interesting idea to play with. So for want of anything better to do, here is MY version of the ‘essential marching orders for everyone born before 1980′.

1. Remember to write thank-you notes.

Emails or SMS’s are entirely adequate for this purpose, despite what Sars says. But she IS right in saying “Failure to do so implies that you don’t care. This implication is a memorable one. Enough said.”

2. Don’t expect friends to help you move house anymore.

Especially if your ongoing inability to find decent flat-mates (or your collected neuroses) mean you move once every 6 months. Sure – you can ask. But don’t assume your friends are duty-bound to answer “yes”. If you must insist on regular relocations, invest in a hand-trolley and furniture you can easily move on your own, and start working out at the gym. Or hire some removalists !

3. Develop a physical awareness of your surroundings.

My father has an annoying tendency to bump into other people and step on small children blocking his way. He does this whilst completely sober. This kind of behaviour is unacceptable. Fine-motor-control is easily within the grasp of anyone over the quarter century mark.

4. Be on time, or failing that, ring to let the other party know of your impending lateness.

Now, my ability to be on time anywhere is absolutely freakin atrocious, and always has been. But I’ve learnt to account for that – by leaving an hour earlier than I need to for really *crucial* shit like job interviews, and by calling and apologising profusely for being late (again) in cases of social tardiness. My girlfriend is as bad as I am in this department, so I guess we’re made for eachother. But in this as many other things, I know I’m extremely lucky – for most readers, ongoing tardiness is sure to kill any chances you have for romantic relationships with mature adults. OH and yeah … “I was drunk, naked and watching Will & Grace” only counts as a valid excuse once ! ;)

5. Learn to stand up & take responsibility for your own beliefs, attitudes & behaviour. Don’t try to pass the buck.

By 25, you should have developed at least something of an understanding of who you are, and what (if anything) you believe in. By this point you should be ready to articulate, and to take, resposibility for whatever that comprises.

Hiding behind your friends / romantic interests / fiancee / spouse when you’re over 25 simply makes you spineless !

6. Realise that ultimately, YOU are responsible for your own happiness or lack thereof.

This one is a biggie. But the older you get, the clearer becomes the inescapable conclusion that your life is largely the result of the choices you make. By 25, this reasoning should be crystal clear to anyone but a chronic blame-avoider.

7. Learn to walk in heels.

I’ll leave this one to Sars:

Gentlemen, you are at your leisure. Ladies: If you wear heels, know how to operate them. Clomping along and placing your foot down flat with each step gives the appearance of a ten-year-old playing dress-up, but a pair of heels is like a bicycle — you need momentum to stay up. Come down on the heel and carry forward through the toe, using your regular stride. If you feel wobbly, keep practicing, or get a pair that’s better suited to your style of walking. It isn’t a once-a-year prom thing anymore for a lot of you, so please learn to walk in them.

8. Incorporate some variety into your wardrobe.

By the time you’ve reached your quarter century, school uniform should have been long left behind (except possibly as a kinky sex-game device), and by now you should also have learnt simply having another ‘uniform’ to replace it isn’t what adults do. You can’t just be a jeans’n'tee girl / boy, perennial power-suited yuppie, or glam-boy/diva ALL the time. Different situations demand different looks, as Carson from Queer Eye would tell you … it’s about time you learnt to cater for this inescapable fact of adult life !

9. Gender difference is dead.

… or at least it is when it comes to helping yourself ! Just “because I’m a girl” is not a valid excuse for not knowing how to change a light-bulb, or the tyre on your car. Just “because I’m a guy” is not a valid excuse for not being able to cook yourself a square meal, or co-ordinate your socks and your pants. You have the ‘net, cable TV, or even the local library for f*cks sake … so no-one has ANY excuse to claim ‘gender ignorance’ when it comes to the basics of functioning as an autonomous adult at the age of 25+

10. Don’t use your friends.

This little distinction might be hard to ‘get’ for those who work in fields such as marketing, PR or sales, but you’ll find once you hit the mid 20′s people no longer have much time for ‘users’ in their lives.

11. Have something to talk about besides college or your job.

Pretty self-explanatory, and especially crucial for those still in the ‘dating game’. Life is about more than work, and more than study. Get into the groove, plug your head into the net, start shagging, do some travel – whatever it takes, at 25 it’s long time you broadened your horizons.

12. Give and receive favors graciously.

‘Nuff said.

13. Drinking until you pass out or throw up is still OK in most of the social circles I frequent.

But using this as an excuse to be narky with everyone the next day is not ! You should also be able to drink a lot more before you reach this point than you used to.

Finally, smoking ganja, dropping acid, taking ekkies, snorting go, or ingesting other ‘illicit substances’ once you’re over 25 is NOT the cool thing it was back in highschool and/or college – especially if you still do it regularly. By a quarter century, you should probably have the “been there, done that, boooring” attitude most of us have. If you don’t … well don’t be surprised if you can only hold down relationships with flakey people !

14. Think of the neighbours.

Now that you’re old enough to have a decent job, restrict those loud ‘all night parties’ to a popular night-spot you’ve hired out for the evening, and not the gazebo in your parents back-yard while they’re up in Ulladulla for the weekend. Besides – if you hire a cool enough venue and ‘market’ your invites, you might even get attractive strangers turning up whom you can then try to sleep with.

See – being considerate has its own rewards ;)

15. Take care of yourself.

Once again, I’ll leave this last point to Sars:

If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don’t enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so — to them. Change is hard; that’s too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy’s shift is over.

That’s it y’all – preeze to be a discus !