Listening To: Remedy (Pre-Op) : Various Artists

Meme completely ripped off from my favourite chick, the lovely Imaginary Girl …

The Exchange Student

Typical Names: Asha, Svetlana, Inga

This girl is the classic, gorgeous, exotic cutey from lands afar. Maybe you meet while working together at a call-centre (classic backpacker job), maybe you pick her up at Scubar or a similar backpacker pub, or perhaps you first spot her at someone’s university BBQ. Regardless of where you meet her, the sparks fly as soon as you two lock eyes, and before you know it you’re getting a fix of exotic flava on a regular basis while your mates are still stuck with the homegrown variety. You lucky bastard, right ? Wroooong !

The Pros:
If you like exotic flavas, this mamacita will get your motor running. Your mates will be green with envy too …

The Cons:
Think about it bro - she’s an exchange student. Chances are, even if you fall for her big-time, she’ll be out of the country in 6 to 12 months, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Something else you probably don’t realise - you’re just as much of an ‘exotic flava’ for her as she is for you. You’re part of her ‘exchange student experience’ … but at the end of the day she’s not from here, and she’s probably going to go back home and have babies with someone from her own country, not a white-trash-honkey like you. Even if she doesn’t, you will forever find yourself getting paranoid when she’s around guys from her own culture. Thus, although seemingly an attractive proposition if you can land one, my advice would be to stay away from this type !

The Secret Lover

Typical Names: Mai, Susan, Amanda

Another exotic cutey, the Secret Lover may be combined with the previous type already mentioned or she may be a homegrown variety, albeit with migrant parents. Most prevelant among East Asian cultures, you’re likely to meet this girl out with a group of her friends at a trendy city nightspot like Establishment or Tank. Or perhaps she’s your personal share broker at HSBC, then you get to talking one day, take her out for dinner … and suddenly you’re back at your place (never her place) eating sushi off her naked stomach. It’s all good … or so you think.

The Pros:
If you have a yen for Asian girls or Filipinas, this type could provide you with an interesting distraction.

The Cons:
There’s a reason this girl is called The Secret Lover … and that reason is you ! It’s all good, until you start noticing you never meet any of her friends (she didn’t start talking to you at the club until her girlfriends had left), she won’t introduce you to her parents, and she won’t hold hands with you or show any affection when you’re out in public, especially if you’re in Chatswood Chase or anywhere else her relatives are likely to be. You know what ? That’s never going to change, because you are her dirty little secret. Sure, you can probably do it for a while … but trust me when I say there comes a point sooner or later when being someone’s ’secret gaidjin shame’ loses its appeal !

OoohMaGaaawd AKA Effie

Typical Names: Andrea, Soula, Danielle

This type is definitely homegrown, but only just. You’ll run into her playing the pokies at Penrith Panthers, out on the dancefloor with a group of her cousins at Positivo … or just about anywhere that wog-youth congregate, including many McDonalds carparks. If you can get past the jealous male cousins and protective brothers in the first place, you’re in like Flynn.

The Pros:
Contrary to popular belief, this type tends to be pretty loyal and will stick by you through thick and thin once you’ve won her heart. She may (or may not) be a great dancer, and she also tends to look pretty hot, at least while she remembers to depillate and before she hits her late 20’s to early 30’s.

The Cons:
She’s got cousins everywhere, and her dad is possessive to the point of mania. That’s not the worst of it though. The worst of it is all of them are adamant she stays a virgin until her marriage night - she may or may not agree. Assuming you can talk her around to the ‘try before you buy’ way of thinking in the first place, you’re going to spend your entire relationship worrying about possible castration at the hands of the dad, the cousins and the 7 brothers if they ever find out you are in fact sticking it to their little bellisima. On top of that, if you ever do anything wrong by her like cheating, get ready to move suburbs matey boy and don’t leave a forwarding address, because you can bet Joe, Spirro and all the other cousins are going to be around your place quicker than you can say “Is that a club-lock in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me ?”. And it ain’t gonna be pretty !

The Borg AKA Single White Female

Typical Names: Who cares ? She’d change it to yours if she could !

This type is really insidious, because you can meet her just about anywhere, and at first she seems pretty cool. You have a few things in common, which is probably how you met in the first place, but there are definitely enough differences to keep things interesting. Then you hook up, and slowly the borg-assimilation process starts. Only it’s not you that’s being assimilated, it’s her ! Slowly but surely, this chick will begin to turn herself into a female clone of you, taking on your interests, favourite bands, hanging out at all the places you do, doing her best to insert herself into all your groups of friends and every social gathering you would normally go to. All without questioning any of the underlying reasons you are the way you are, or dig the things you do. Eventually, like the flat-mate character in the movie from which her other moniker is derived (”Single White Female”) she will just start to scare you with her determination to BE you.

The Pros:
It’s good to have stuff in common with your partner, and it can be kind of flattering in the early stages to think “wow, I must be so cool, if this chick wants to be more like me”.

The Cons:
Unless you’re a complete narcissist, f*cking yourself quickly loses its appeal. Also, you know sooner or later she’s gonna pull out the kitchen knife and accuse you of not “being true to what you used to believe in” or some such rubbish. Hell, your mates might even start preferring her company to yours, since she’s into all the same shit you are plus she has a nice set of knockers ! That being the case, eventually she might even cheat on you with one of those mates, and then you’re in an all new world of hurt ! Just don’t go there.

Illsa, She-Wolf Of The SS

Typical Names: Ingrid, Shayne, Tracy

With her corn-stalk blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, she could have been a poster-child for the Hitler Youth. You tell her this, and she just laughs and says “yeah, I think I would have liked that”. You’re most likely to meet her at a National Front rally, a Young Liberals meeting, or drinking with the bikers down at the Bourbon & Beefsteak. She’s 6-foot-2, she’s got more tattoos than your uncle Trevor, she can drink you under the table and still headbutt the poor maltese guy who just pinched her arse unconscious, and she rides a Harley. But somehow she takes a shine to you, and before you know it you’re all sweaty, tied to the bed in the squat she shares with 5 skin-heads from Bristol, and she’s screaming at you “bite that nipple harder, you soft fŨcker !”

The Pros:
Not many, unless you like having your arse paddled and share her views on ‘The Jewish Problem’.

The Cons:
She’ll throw out all your Zen Collection, Buddha Bar, Panjabi MC and other asian-influenced CD’s, along with pretty much anything else remotely interesting. She’ll stop you seeing any of your wog friends, she’ll fight with Tongan bouncers, she will throw bricks through the windows of kebab shop you’ve been going to since you were 12 and call Mr.Mavridis your neighbourhood grocer a “greasy wop c*nt” at the top of her voice while the shop is full of customers. She and her bikey friends will sleep over at your place for days on end, scaring your flatmate and your cat, and one day she will try to kill you when she finds out you pashed an Indian girl last week when you were drunk and she and her mates were up in Newcastle for another big bikie rally.

Wicca The Witch

Typical Names: Xanthia, Morgana, Claire

She thinks she’s Fiona Horne, but more often than not she’s just a big, fat loser in a cheap black dress with a tendency to wear too much silver jewelry and mascara. You’re likely to meet her at a goth club, the uni winter solstice celebration, or at a Placebo in-store signing. Maybe it’s the love-spell she cast last week, or more likely the half bottle of absinthe you drank earlier in the day and chased down with a bongful or three of Nimbuns finest bud - whatever the reason, you find yourself writhing in bed with this pale skinned creature, listening to The Cure and trying to ignore her two cats clambering over you.

The Pros:
It’s conceivable she’s got a pretty cool record collection if you’re into the ‘darker’ end of the spectrum, and she’s bound to be ‘in touch with her kundelini / lower chakra’ so the sex could be pretty mind-blowing.

The Cons:
There’s nothing actually wrong with pagans, but Wicca The Witch just takes it too far ! She tries to read your tea-leaves when you just want to drink a cuppa, she has to stay home and commune with the spirits when all you want to do is go out and knock back a few spirits, and her shit will start to grate on your nerves quicker than you can say “Alistair Crowley was a legal clerk before he became an occult figurehead”.

Mrs. Self-Destruct

Typical Names: Blaire, Jodie, Anna

You’ll meet this girl at your local, when you’re fired up on 12 bourbons and a half-gram of mescaline. The freaky thing is, you have the same dealer. You’ll show her the knife scar you got last week when those homeboys tried to jump you in Mary Street, and she’ll show you an identical scar she got when someone tried to mug her for the speedballs she was running as a favour for your mutual dealer. You think this a match made in heaven ? Dream on, loser boy !

The Pros:
She’s as fŨcked up as you are. “Finally … someone who understands me and my shit …”

The Cons:
She’s as fŨcked up as you are. “Baby … wake up baby … this shit isn’t funny … hey … breathe dammit … breathe I said … hey … help … someone HELP … my fŨcking girlfriend’s OD’ing HEEEELLLLP !”

And that’s about where I’ll leave it for now, as it’s Friday and it’s home time ! (yaaaaaay) Doubtless a second installment will follow some time later this week, as there are quiet a few more types I can think of *smirk* Have a great weekend y’all !