Listening To: Nina Hagen Nina Hagen

So here’s confirmation that going to the pub isn’t always a complete, self-indulgent waste of time. I dropped into Hotel CBD the other night in a fit of nostalgia (IG and I spent a sizeable chunk of our first ‘date’ there). As a result I found out some very interesting info from a couple of middle-aged suits sporting very impressive Merv Hughes mo’s.

Now, if I had the money (which I don’t), and it was possible (which it isn’t), I would naturally buy shares in my (and believe me gang, it *is* mine, all mine … bwahaha !) pub – ye olde St.Leonards Tavern. However, the mob who own it and Gilroy’s pub across the road (how’s that for good old Aussie competition) don’t have shares available on the open market as far as I know. This is a shame, because to my mind at least, sinking your money into a pub has got to be a great investment.

Australians like to drink – there’s nothing more Aussie than having a few schooners down at the local with your mates after a long, hard day at work. Except possibly hopping in your Falcon Ute at the end of the night, and taking the back roads to avoid the boys in blue and mobile RBT. Most pubs mark up their booze by a margin ranging from subtantial to out-fŨcking-rageous. A schooner of Carlton for example will cost you $2.70 at your local RSL or Leagues Club (remembering these places are STILL turning a profit, even with that small margin) – whereas up the road you’ll pay $3.60 for the same schooner, and that’s at a *good* pub like mine. In the city or North Sydney/Balmain/Oxford Street/Cockle Bay you can conceivably pay up to $5 or more for the same schooner – and that’s not at a strip club either ! You might even be charged upwards of four dollars-something for a ‘schmidi’ rather than a schooner, depending on how pretentious the place you’re at is.

With figures like that, you don’t have to be a genius to figure out pubs are a good investment – and we’re not even talking about the margins on post-mix spirits and pre-mix drinks, which are another world of stratospheric profit again. As I’ve said already, I can’t buy shares in my pub as much as I’d like to, because there are none available. So I can’t plow my beer money back into my own pocket, not when I’m drinking locally. Thanks to the suits from Hotel CBD however, I now know of a city drinking establishment I *can* invest some cash in, and so can you, if you’re that way inclined. Or should I say, establishements.

Now you may, or may not, have heard of Merivale Group before. Although if you haven’t, you really *are* a sad little individual, who doesn’t get out much, aren’t you ? Merivale are the mob which own and operate a number of notable Sydney night-spots such as Establishment, Slip-Inn and the aforementioned Hotel CBD, among others. Think “classy decor”, think “drinks on the expensive (but not prohibitively so) side”, think “popular places to go clubbing”. Most importantly, think “profit”, or at least it would seem that way to a humble observer like yours truly. According to the besuited Merv clones from the other night, it’s possible to buy shares in Merivale on the open market. You know what that means, groovers ?

That’s right – no longer do you have to invest in dodgey Telstra shares that go nowhere, second-rate insurance & fun-managment companies that devaluate faster than you can say “board-level in-fighting” or go belly-up completely, and resource company behemoths which happen to hold a substantial stake in uranium mining operations in Kakadu !

Instead, you can do what I’m going to do as soon as I get some spare moula happening, and invest in the Aussie way of life – going pubbing and clubbing, getting pissed, and groping blonde haired, Manolo Blahnik wearing PR executives from Double Bay or Morrissey suit-wearing, Robbie Williams hair-style emulating, recruitment consultants from Potts Point. I’m going to run my own pub one day of course, and it will be trendy, and hip, and have a large number of Tongan bouncers who enforce a completely fascist door policy which barrs entry to Americans, talk-show hosts and known Liberal Party sympathisers. In the meantime though, I’m going to start small and put my money where the lip of my long-neck is – and invest in Merivale.

One final alternative to consider if you’re more ‘financial’ than me and like a bit of a ‘challenge’ is a lovely like pub called “From Dusk Till Dawn”, on Jindriska just near Staromestki Namesti, in Prague. Last I heard, this was available to buy outright for the measley sum of a few million CZK (one AUD is roughly equal to 20 Koruna). It has atmosphere, it has a steady Western / expat clientelle, and Ondrej the bar-tender makes a mean concoction called the “Adios MotherfŨcker”, which, as the name implies, will leave you feeling a bit rough around the edges after one, and completely paralytic “oh my god I hope I don’t need my liver”, puking on the 12th-century cobblestones, and insane / careless enough to consider actually screwing one of the gypsy prostitutes who hang around Perlovka, the street my grandparents live in, after a few.

These are your choices. Better than the Rivkin Report, eh ?

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UPDATE 19/04/05
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Argh dammit, it seems this post is redundant ! I had an interview with Merivale a few weeks ago for a job, and forgot to let you guys know that it looks like those share-broker fŨckers in the Hotel CBD lied to me – according to the guy who was interviewing me, Merivale is a family-owned company NOT listed on the sharemarket :( Damned lying sons of bitches !