Listening To: Drum & Bass Arena: Various Artists

(Reuters A.P) Friday 18th February, 2005. Bangor, Maine -

A local man has filed a lawsuit with the Bangor District Court, suing Stephen King Memorial Hospital for allegedly giving him the wrong penis in the aftermath of a bizarre industrial accident. In what is sure to be closely watched case, the plaintiff David Johnston, alledges surgeons at the hospital failed to exercise ‘common sense’ and medical prudence while re-attaching his severed member and that of another man, Wesley Boone, and this resulted in his receiving the wrong schlong. Hospital officials and Boone however, maintain there has been no mix-up and Boone is reported as being “very happy with the job the surgeons have done. My dick works fine, I couldn’t be happier, and neither could my girlfriend”.

Both men were employees of the Bangor Lumber Mill when the accident happened. Although neither of them is willing to publicly clarify the details of exactly what occured, a number of witnesses have indicated the men were playing a dangerous game of nerves involving the circular saw, which misfired. “Yesiree, Rooster or Cock is what the we call it” says Jeff Moisley, another sawmill employee. “Now don’t get me wrong – we ain’t faggots or anythin’. But it’s sumthin’ the guys play on Fridays, after a long week and a coupl’a brewskis. It’s a macho, truth or dare, mano e mano kind of thing” Moisley continues.

“What happens is … [that] both guys whip out their piece, facing eachother on opposite sides of the conveyor belt. They put their cocks either side of a log and then move along with the log as it rides the conveyor towards to saw. The first guy to chicken out and pull his cock off the log loses. The loser has to buy everyone dinner” Moisley tells us, before taking a pause to reflect and chew on his tobacco. “I guess neither of ‘em wanted to lose” he finishes with a grin. Others however deny his version of events. “No way !” says Brad Arnoff, the mills OH&S officer. “Bangor Lumber Mill employees have never played Rooster or Cock, and never will”, claims Arnoff. “C’mon miss, d’ya really think grown men and responsible sawmill employees would flop their cocks out next to a circular saw ? That’s crazy talk, and if I find out which sonafabitch has been tellin’ you otherwise, I’m gonna’ tan his hide ! Umm, don’t quote me on that” he tells us.

Whatever the truth of the matter, Johnston and Boone were both rushed to Stephen King Memorial at 5:48 pm on November the 12th last year, suffering massive blood-loss and with their penises severed. A frantic search then ensued at the sawmill to try locate their missing members. “If ya’ ask me, Dave’s lucky he’s got a cock at all” says Jeff Moisley, “… on account of we couldn’t find his piece at first” he continues. “Oh sure, we found Wes’s weapon of mass destruction right away, there among the blood, and piss, and sawdust. But we couldn’t find Dave’s dick anywhere … and we got the ambulance guys a hollerin’ at us to find it soon or the doctors wouldn’t be able to re-attach it, and we got Lucy the accounts girl from upstairs goin’ all green and lookin’ like she’s gonna faint … and it’s just a mess” recalls Moisley.

“Then ‘Spazzo’ Farrelli – the retard kid we got cleanin’ the toilets … he starts a’laughin’. We’re like ‘what you laughin’ at, retard ?’ and he’s pointin’ at Arnoff’s dog Blackie, who’s been over in the corner chewin’ on somethin’ and who we ain’t been payin’ attention to. And f*ck me, if it ain’t got Dave’s cock in it’s mouth !” says Jeff Moisley with a chuckle, spitting out a stream of tobacco juice. Once found, paramedics confirm both penises were rushed to the hospital on ice where surgeons re-attached them to the men using delicate micro-surgery. This is where Johnston’s case comes in, and where his account differs from that of Boone.

Wesley Boone and the hospital staff all claim the correct penis was attached to each man. “I’ve always been a bit … shall we say … gifted in the bedroom department” claims Boone, “[and] part of that I guess is because … aw shucks … well because my cock is so big. I can show ya’, if you’d like little lady” he offers, although we respectfully decline to take him up on this offer. Johnston however disagrees. “Look, Wes’s nickname at school was always ‘Where’s Wesley’s Dick’ ” he says. “I mean, I’m sorry, but not all men are created equal. Before the accident, my schlong was 12 inches long … and Wes would have been lucky to crack a fat that measured anything over 3 inches. I should know, since I’ve got his dick now, and I’ve measured it !!!” Johnston tells us bitterly.

“It’s not like it’s that hard to tell our cocks apart, either” continues Johnston. “I mean, any frikkin retard can see the hospital made a mistake ! So why is they denyin’ it ? A five year old could see they gone and given me the wrong dick !” he rages. “Why is that ?” we ask, although we already know what’s coming. “Well shit, honey … think about it … I’m a black man … and Wes Boone is a trailer-trash honkey piece of shit ! I know he’s lovin’ it, and his missus is definitely lovin’ it … goin’ from Wes the Wee Willy Winky before tha’ accident to havin’ her own big, black cock after. Of course he ain’t gonna complain, or support me in suin’ the hospital. But them doctors really shoulda’ been more careful, and made sure they sewed the right cock on the right guy” he replies, punching himself in the groin a few times for emphasis.

“Personally, I think all them white doctors couldn’t stand a bruttha’ like me bein’ better endowed than all of ‘em put together, an’ so when they got this chance to do somethin’ about it they took it … and my cock along with it !” rages Johnston. Racism in Bangor ? Perhaps .. who knows. One thing is for sure though – don’t play Rooster or Cock next time you’re at the sawmill, gentlemen, or who knows what the terrible consequences may be.