Listening To: French Hip-Hop Vol.1: Various Artists

I know, I know … it’s been a week between blog entries. My excuse is I’ve been busy … first with a deliriously happy 3 days spent re-acquainting myself with the divine Imaginery Girl on her return to Sydney, followed by a week of feverish (and simultaneously tedious) work boredom.

In between that, I’ve just had time to read and comment on a few other people’s blogs, rather than update my own. I did try to post something new on Friday afternoon, but predictably enough, blogger spat the dummy when I hit the “Publish Post” button (as it often does when I’m ‘posting live’), and once again I’d forgotten to copy my html to notepad first to guard against the possibility of that occurring. So now, come Monday afternoon, I’m going to try recreate that original post again, remembering the sacred mantra “hit publish once, but copy and paste often” …

Now, to give you a bit of background on this particular post, I should remind readers you of what I currently do ‘for a living’. I work for the ‘retail scanning’ division of a global market research organisation. What we do essentially is buy raw point-of-sale (‘scanning’) data from various (mostly grovery) retailers, and then process this data and sell the resultant output in the forms of various reports to interested parties (e.g. manufacturers, marketers and the actual retailers themselves). My involvement is on a systems level i.e. at present I’m part of group involved in coverting our internal operations from using one obsolete in-house system to a new (already obsolete) I.T. system.

For the purpose of this post however, my actual role within this process is immaterial. What matters is the ‘data’ I come across during my day-to-day, being in this case the various brand-names grocery manufacturers in the Australian market use to differentiate / identify / brand their products with. Looking at some of these, one can’t help but wonder “why the fŨck would anyone in their right mind name their product along these lines ?” I’m actually thinking of making this post the first in a semi-regular series, using brand-names with different themes – there are that many to work with ! But for now, I’m going to start with a handful best labelled the “Dodgey Sexual Reference” brands, and see what you guys think. So without further ado, here is my innaugural list of

DODGEY AUSTRALIAN GROCERY BRANDS
(Predominently Sexual References Theme)

ALL FECT
I can just see the discussion between the marketing guys who came up with this one. “Hey Bruce, waddayathink of this mob’s products ?” “Ah mate, they’re all fect !” “Hey … that could be a catchy brandname …” Or maybe it’s the Kiwi version of FCUK … waddathink ?

ANIMAL SCENTS
Ah yes, just what we all need. Cats piss and wet doberman smell. Really giving Ambi-Pur a run for their money …

ANYTIME
First of the true sexual references. “I’m ready to go baby … anyplace, anytime, take me now. Rrreow !”

ANYTIME RAVE
See, now these guys probably saw the anytime brand and figured “Hah … pussies … we’ll add ‘RAVE’ to the end of our brand and capture the youth market !” Never mind that young people don’t call ‘em raves anymore …

BACCHUS
Ah, good old Bacchus, God of Wine and Debauchery (aka kinky sex). You can’t go wrong with a God like that …

BACK PADDOCK
Now some people like taking it in the back paddock. Personally I don’t, but whatever floats your boat luvvies …

BASICALLY WILD
“So how’s your new boyfriend, Janet ?” “Oh, he’s dreamy. He has long hair, rides a Harley and … gosh … he’s basically wild !”

BEIJING BLACK
Bet you’ve always wondered what Beijing Black tastes like, haven’t you ? The forbidden always thrills. Give in, give in nooooow !

BIG ASS WINES
We also process data from liquour retailers, which is where this gem obviously comes from. D’you reckon the manufacturers spent a long day sampling some of their own product, before coming up with the brand-name ?

BIG BOY
I’m tempted to break into a Hale & Pace routine here, but I won’t. Speaks for itself, dunnit ?

BIG ONES
Right up there with the aforementioned big boy, this is also sure to get a laugh out of the tits’n'arse Brit-Humour contingent.

BLACK COCK
Look, I swear these are actual grocery brands ! I think these people make soup stock / instant noodles. Actually a lot of these brand-names comes from that particular product class … must be something to do with Asian manufacturers, and the resultant predominance of Ingrish packaging. I still wouldn’t drink a fŨcking soup called Black Cock though …

BUCKET O MEAT
Not a KFC variety bucket, I think this is another noodle brand. Or possibly John Holmes’ coffin …

COCK
Black Cock soup for white supremicists, Hitler Youth and Ann Coulter. Go on, get some cock in you, you know you want it …

DOUBLE SWALLOW
To paraphrase the sheer genius that was Kevin Smith (before he went and made ‘Dogma’ and ‘Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back’) – “37. My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks !” One guess what kind of product these people make …. yes, thaaaats right …. instant noodles !

GOURMET GRANDMA
No post ostensibly invoking dubious sexual references would be complete without throwing in something for the MILF brigade. “Gourmet Grandma you say Bob ? What a fantastic idea for a brand-name. Now please excuse me … I HAVE TO GO PUKE OUT MY INTESTINES BEFORE GETTING MY FRIEND TO RUN ME OVER TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY !!!”

That’s it y’all. Expect more regular updates now my girlfriend is back from overseas, and my mind is therefore (somewhat more) sane again …