Listening To: The Silence : Echoing off the four walls in my bedroom …

Current Horn Factor :

Horn Factor = Aaargh Shite !

I swear … I am sooooooo over this abandoment shit ! As Boris The Mad Yugoslav would say – “Munted, FÅ©cking !” Except I’m not … I only wish I were. Had drinks tonight after work with K&A, a nice married couple Lisa and I know at my favourite pub ye olde St.Leonards Tav. Two beers and one $7 steak later, and we parted ways. I headed home to have a bit of kip. I’m chronically tired y’see … too many perrenial late nights on the ‘net doing things like writing blog entries or downloading prØn y’see.

After my very brief and unsettled nap, I decided it would be a good idea to have a shower seeing as I’d had a haircut earlier today and the little bits of hair down the back of my shirt were starting to itch. I also decided it would probably be good to jet the duck out of my apartment again, since my flatmate had arrived home a bit earlier and I really wasn’t in the mood for her shit tonight.

So … where to go on a Thursday night when you’ve already had a few beers, live on the North Shore, and are chronically missing the company of your fiancé ? Why – Greenwood Hotel of course, where else ? Yes I know; DB you’re a fekking twat ! I dunno … I had this crazy notion that maybe I’d have a few drinks, get happy and temporarily forget tonight is IG’s second last night in Fiji and the supposed highlight of the ‘Ultimate Lei’ tour she’s on. Tonight is Kava-drinking ceremony, and no doubt a party afterwards.

Hmm .. great … my gorgeous partner drinking mildy hallucigenic Melanisian ritual concoctions and dancing with a bunch of strange, male backpackers ! Just what you want to think about when you have an active imagination like I do, your partner has admitted to checking out other guys on occasion (guilty feelings not withstanding) which you noticed yourself a number of times even before said confession, she’s hinted at the fact she doesn’t find you as attractive as she once did since you’ve put on a bit of weight, and frankly you ARE feeling more than a tad bloated and unhealthy. Inse-freakin-curity :-(

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t trust her. I just don’t trust anybody f ûcking else … and at times like these I just can’t help thinking I’m not exactly “all that”. So my active imagination gets a workout, picturing all the scenarios of what could go wrong. It’s stupid – the universe invariably serves up whats in your thoughts. That’s the reason you should always try to stay positive. Whatever energy you radiate, the universe will tend to reflect right back at you. It’s so damn hard though, not dwelling on your fears when someone who means the world to you is half a world away and you have no way to keep in touch !

So that was why I went to Greenwood – to try give myself a little psychic boost if you will, via the wonders of alcohol and choons, man ! I would have been better off staying home. For the first time I can remember there wasn’t a lineup to get in, but the place was even more packed than is usual for a Thursday. Full of 16 year olds and North Shore yuppies by the looks of it. Fux Me ! Got myself a V’N'C + shot of Shnapps to start, and did a circuit of the pub. Courtyard blocked off, hot and full of people I had no desire to talk to. Shee…it ! Stopped to check out the music briefly in all 3 dancefloor areas. Normally I would have gotten into the cheesy hip-hop – but tonight it just made me think of IG, and wish she was here to dance with. Faaaark ! Another round of drink are in order.

V’N'C + another shot later, coupled with my the two beers I had at The Tav earlier and I’m starting to feel a little buzz. Finally loosening up … maybe it won’t be so bad – couple more drinks and it could be a great night. Make my way to outside front area where it’s a little less crowded to drink my drink. Spot a space on the ledge and sit down. Then I notice the girl next to me. She’s a gorgeous girl with glasses who looks a fair bit like Lisa. Argh bollocks ! I try to ignore her for a bit, sipping my drink and ostensibly looking up at the tall buildings surrounding Greenwood. Then, just as I finally turn my head in her direction to checkout the dancefloor beyond her, someone comes up and embraces her from behind. “It must be her boyfriend” I think, and I try to do my best not to stare as their body language bears this out.

In the end it’s too much for me though … I finish my drink, get up and leave Greenwood to get a cab home. The night is a total write off. I’m still sober, I’m a cab-fare worse off, and instead of thinking about IG over in Fiji less, I’ve ended up thinking about her more. Abandonment … I hate it. True – it’s my karma for all those years in my youth when I would fůck off to Europe for a month or more on a regular basis leaving my ex’s behind to twiddle their thumbs. Nonetheless that’s two trips now in the space of less than 6 months which IG has made without me. I really hope it’s not going to become a pattern … I’m not sure how many more nights like this I could take !

Blah … need sleep *sigh*