The Rest of Your Life (v3.0)

Listening To: Maximum Bass 2 : Various Artists

Current Horn Factor :

Quote of The Day

iibbmm Stupid World of Warcraft.
iibbmm I have no money, I have no skills.
iibbmm All of the hot Elven women are dancing with
iibbmm the big warrior guys. It’s college all over again.

Dear Monday,

Let me begin by saying this is the first time I’ve written a letter to a specific day of the week. Indeed it’s not in my usual nature to anthromorphose entities on my calendar, with the possible exception of Friday, for whose timely return I pray on a routine basis. Nonetheless, I’ve decided to take the unusual step of writing to you at this point in time because I feel there are a few things we need to get straight between us.

I’m sorry to have to say this but – I just don’t like you, Monday. To be frank, I’m not sure anyone does. Musicians from Sir Bob Geldoff (“I Don’t Like Mondays”) to New Order (“Blue Monday”) have long attested to our mutual dislike of you. One of the UK’s first mass murders (which inspired Bob to write the aforementioned tune in the first place) occured while you were prancing around doing your “It’s your Monday, it’s your weekday” thing. Shakespeare has probably made a reference to the odiousness of your presence – and if I were more of a ‘classic canon’ geek I’d be able to actually quote said reference. Hell … there’s even a popular colloquial phrase to describe the feeling most people get whenever your ugly head pops up, to whit ‘Monday-itis’. That’s right Monday – seeing you around makes most of us ‘regular joes’ feel sick !

Now you might be thinking to yourself “why me ? Why not pick on Tuesday or Thursday ? What have I done ?” Let me tell you why I don’t like you, Monday. You sneak up on people, for starters. Friday usually drops around by my work on … well … Friday … and I’m always happy to see him. More often than not he’ll bring a six pack of beer or some hard spirits, or he’ll take me and Lisa out on the town later in the evening to hang out with our mutual friends. Everyone likes Friday, as I’m sure you know. We usually spend the next day with Saturday, and she’s a pretty cool chick too. Granted – she’ll often insist we spend some time together doing chores in the morning or early afternoon, and she’ll sometimes bring a hangover with her to the apartment depending on how drunk Friday managed to get us the night before. Mostly though, she’s all about doing fun things like barbeques, retail therapy, reading your favourite books while lying around on the couch in your jammies, and threesomes in the bedroom with yourself, your fiancé, and Saturday. If she’s feeling frisky, she’ll also more often than not manage to get Lisa and I in the mood for some cocktails at home later in the evening, or maybe another night out on the town.

We usually spend the last day of the weekend hanging out with Sunday. I must admit I feel a bit sorry for poor old Sunday. Of the weekend triplets, I often feel like she gets the the shitty end of the stick. Y’see, she has a lot of things in common with her sister. However after spending a few days with her party siblings, by the time Sunday drops in we often find we don’t have a lot of energy left. Therefore she usually ends up just lazing around at home with us, though we sometimes take her to movies or to visit Lisa’s relatives, and we keep promising we’ll take her out to Sounds on Sunday @ the Greenwood (and I used to take her there on my own now and then, before I met Lisa). All the same, we love Sunday as much as her two siblings. Which is where you come in Monday.

You see good buddy, all the other days of the week have the common decency to respect the established visitation schedule. Not you though – oh no. We’ll be chilling out with Sunday on the couch, watching Law & Order or some Charmed DVD’s (she’s a bit of TV addict, Sunday is), when you’ll pop up with a thought in my head about the month-end paperwork we need to work through together, come the start of the working week. Lisa and I might even be in the bedroom with Sunday, giving eachother back-rubs and working up to the same kind of threesome we often have with Saturday, when you’ll butt in to say “Hello” and remind my fiancé how tired she is, and how much stuff she’s going to have to do for her boss this week. End result – Sunday and I end up frustrated, while you skulk off sniggering and rubbing your hands in anticipation of ruining our day again tommorrow.

This brings me to another reason no-one likes you, Monday. Nine times out of ten, whenever you come around you bring the start of the working week with you. Sure – you make a token effort every year to drop around once or twice on a public holiday or to work yourself in to our annual leave schedules, but it’s just too little too late ! I know, I know; Tuesday and Wednesday tend to bring work with ‘em too, as does Thursday. Even Friday, bless his soul, tends to want at least some work done before we get down to the usual hijinks – but we all know he doesn’t really give a shit and just wants to party with the rest of us. Granted Tuesday is a bit like you, but by the time he comes around we’re usually starting to find our feet again in the work week – and he never pops up early while you’re around to remind us of the things we’ll have to do with him the next day. Doubtless because he knows the kind of shit you invariably tend to put us through, Monday.

Wednesday at least in my opinion, is just the most inoffensive one of the lot of you. She might not be very pretty, but she’s certainly not ugly either. She’ll bring some work with her, but it’s never the armload you and Tuesday usually dump on our desks. Usually in fact, it’s just following on from what you two have already instigated. We even used to go out with Wednesday in the evenings to Trivia @ PJ’s in Parramatta, so she’s definitely not all bad. I know you tried to take over that for a while and had us going along with you to Triv @ The Union in North Sydney instead; but it’s just not the same Monday – I only really enjoy it when I forget you’re there, whereas I never had that problem with Wednesday.

Thursday often makes me work fairly hard too in a last-ditch flurry of effort before my lazy-arse mate Friday drops around again, but I never hold that against him because I know the end of the week is in sight. When I met Lisa, she also showed me a side to Thursday that I never suspected he had – an affinity for singing karaoke @ Petersham. Prior to that, Thursday and I had a long history of going out together to Greenwood (in my latter singledom), Castle Hill Tavern (in my late teens), and late-night shopping together with my folks (when I was wee lad) – so I guess I’ve always had a soft-spot for Thursday despite his minor flaws. You on the other hand Monday, are just a shit.

As I’ve said already, you always bring along a truckload of work for us and the other days to get through. More often than not, this is work that you’ve already hinted at while we were trying to spend some quality time with Sunday. If we’ve had a particularly good time with the weekend triplets, you’ll always bring a mother of a hangover too. Forget the hangovers Saturday or Sunday very occasionally have to bring along with many apologies. You derive great pleasure from your hangovers, don’t you ? You sit there in Friday’s workshop, polishing up those babies like great big gleaming turds, with all the dilligence our pal Friday reserves for brewing up some good old fashioned fun-times. Then when they’re ready, all hard and gleaming, you’ll drop by with your armload of work and your smarmy “look at me, I’m the start of the work-week” grin, and before we know it *BLAM*

“I have the worst hangover in history, it’s raining again, and the boss just told me I have three years worth of statistics to process for this client by the end of the week. Goddamn … Monday you muthafucka, how you doin ?”

There you have it. In a nutshell Monday, these are the reasons that I don’t like you, and neither does the majority of the human race. What can you do about it ? To be honest, I’m not sure. Not much, probably. I know you’ve tried various tricks over the years to get people to like you more. You’ve tried scheduling better TV shows when you’re around, like Supernatural (currently) or The Practice (when I still used to watch it). You know though, that when we’re sitting around on the couch watching those together, I’m still secretly wishing you were one of the other days, don’t you ? Christ man, you can’t even get that completely right … because that sexy vixen Sunday is the one who manages to snag Big Brother eviction night every year, while you can only ever manage to score nominations. You’ve tried the Trivia Night thing but I’ve already touched on that earlier, and you just don’t do it like Wednesday does.

You even tried dragging Lisa and I along to salsa dancing classes for a while … but you know they were just painful, right ? We’ve gone salsa dancing with Friday at the Spanish Club a number of times with no prior classes at all (at least on my part), and that’s always been fun ! You and your obsession with “work, work, work” on the other hand, took the fun right out of the whole experience, and had us worrying about getting the foot-work ‘right’ and remembering 100 extraneous ‘moves’ that no-one does in practice. Thanks Monday – another great freakin’ job well done !

I think perhaps the best solution for all concerned would be for you to just stop coming around. We don’t want to see you anymore. Send Friday twice a week instead. Or perhaps tell Sunday she can come visit us again. At least that way I wouldn’t feel so bad about being tired when she’s around. But don’t show your ugly face at our place anymore Monday, because you aren’t welcome !!!

Regards,

Disappearing Boy Esq.