Listening To: The White Room : KLF

Current Horn Factor :

Horn Factor = Toeeeey

Quote of The Day
GreenJelly omg this lisa chick and me are gonna get married
GreenJelly her turnoffs are Arrogant Guys, S&M, and Big Dicks
GreenJelly IM SO IN

In a similar vein to Dating – 101 Chicks To Avoid …

The Ãœber-Geek

Typical Names: Tristan, Terrance, Phillip

This is the guy (it’s aaaaalways a guy) at your office that makes Bill Gates look positively studly by comparison. He’s the one that the other geeks (even if you work in a predominently IT environment) will dismiss as ‘too far gone’. With little to no social skills, a shirt that always sports at least one food stain, bad breath, coke-bottle glasses, a little D&D/LOTR/Warhammer/Star Wars diorama in his cubicle, and a scary Jessica Alba obsession, this guy is almost guaranteed to be desperate and dateless every Friday night for the rest of his pitiful life.

The Pros:
You never have to worry about him competing for the attentions of any nubile female co-workers, he’s always on time to the office (unless he spent a particularly heavy night downloading porn / playing an MMOG), he tends to have no concept of office politics which can make him a valuable pawn in your machiavellian schemes, and no matter how obscure the problem your server/system/mp3 player is having, he’ll be able to track down the patches online and get it back up and running within the space of a few hours at most. He’ll never go out for Friday drinks with the rest of you.

The Cons:
If you ask him for a favour, you will have to listen to his Linux/monty python/knock-knock jokes, his misguided opinion on the latest news story (if he’s aware of the greater world around him at all), and the life story of his latest D&D/Everquest character. Even if you don’t ask him for anything, he will occasionally come around to dispense bon mottes of his ‘wisdom’ (as he likes to think of it) to random co-workers, such as “you realise Mp3 is an inferior sound format, don’t you ? What we really need are Ogg-Vorbis players !” or “I’ve developed an algorithm for optimising our bog roll reordering strategy”. He’ll never go out for Friday drinks with the rest of you, preferring to stay back at the office and tie up your network bandwidth playing Age of Empires or Battlefield 1942 (never a ‘normal’ FPS like Counter-Strike) online or with a crew of lesser-geeks.

The Cassanova

Typical Names: Mike, Todd, Harry

This is the guy who thinks he really is God’s gift to women. Invariably he’ll tend to work in sales or client service, drive a red sports car, and spend all his days bragging to anyone who will listen about his latest ‘conquest’. He will also invariably be sexist, misogynist, have a receding hairline, and actually possess a penis the size of a (small) breath mint. All the pictures in his wallet of women he claims to have ‘been’ with are actually pulled from dating sites (if he’s even mildly clever) or porn sites (if he’s not), he still lives with his mum, and the last time he actually had sex was during the 2000 Sydney Olympics when a mildly retarded, drunken Albanian woman mistook him for someone who does toilet paper commercials in their country.

The Pros:
Generally speaking, there are no pros to knowing one of these sad sacks of shit. However, 1 out of every 100 office cassanovas actually deserves their reputation. These rare individuals are definitely worth cultivating the friendship of, as they will introduce you to bevvies of beautiful women they’ve “cast off” and which you can exploit for your own decidedly perverted ends.

The Cons:
Your female friends will shun you for associating with this dickwad, you have to listen to the same inane pickup story week-in, week-out where only the name and the hair colour changes, you’ll have to cover for him when he takes long lunch-breaks trying to “woo” some chick who will blow him off anyway, and the sight of his hairy chest puts you off your morning tea every day you see it.

The Office Tramp

Typical Names: Bree, Danielle, Chastity

The female counterpart of The Cassanova, unlike him this chick is more than just talk. She’s had everyone from the managing director to the mailroom clerk, not to mention all the competition’s salesteam. She keeps a vibrator in her top drawer and wears miniskirts to all the company meetings. Sure, the boss will fire her arse as soon as she starts to lose her looks – but for now, you can bet all the promotions are going to keep coming her way in exchange for the ‘favours’ she does him every Friday night after everyone else has left the office.

The Pros:
If you’re single and desperate, it doesn’t take much ‘spade-work’ to get this girl to bump uglies with you. Dinner at Burger King, followed by a Vin Diesel flick at your local cinema should do it.

The Cons:
She’s likely to give you a second-hand dose of the clap that Brad from sales caught from the Mexican hooker he had last time he was over in the States on a ‘product training course’.

The Chronic Masturbator

Typical Names: Adrian, Jason, Sam

Not content with flogging the dog over Internet porn late at night in the privacy of his own home like the rest of us, this wanker can’t keep his hands off himself for even the eight measly hours he’s required to be at his desk doing actual work. May or may not be combined with the Uber-Geek previously mentioned, either way he’ll be the one groaning to himself in the toilet cubicle next to yours when you’re trying to squeeze a curry shit out (the gift that just keeps giving) during the pathetic half hour you get for lunch. He’ll have to scurry urgently to the toilet again when he sees the outfit that Tracy from accounts is wearing for her RSVP date later in the evening, his taste in desktop wallpaper will invariably stray within the grayer areas of your workplace sexual harrassment policy, he’ll use up all the paper towels in the washroom, and any surface he has recently touched will be coated with a decidedly sticky residue. 

The Pros:
If you raid his PC after he’s gone home, you’re sure to find a juicy porn folder or two hidden (not usually very cleverly) somewhere within the darker corners of the filesystem. Depending on your industry and how high up in the office foodchain he is, you may also be able to read the latest issue of Ralph of FHM as soon as it comes out, thanks to his (company sponsored) subscription ‘for research’. One word of warning though – make sure you get your hands on said magazine before he does, unless you like your reading material crusty.

The Cons:
As already stated, you can’t shake hands with him, he uses up all the paper towels in the bogs, and he disturbs the zen-like concentration you need in order to have an even vaguely satisfying shit at work. Given his obsession with ‘self-abuse’ he’s also likely to be chronically sleep-deprived, meaning you have to cover for him whenever he gets behind in his work. Eventually he’ll develop carpel-tunnel syndrome or RSI in his preferred wanking hand and have to be put on compo, which will cut into the bottom line and therefore everyone elses perks and benefits.

The Office Stoner

Typical Names: Dave, Bob, Tracey

Whatever else this boy or girl maybe into, you can bet stonerdom is the overriding leit-motif which defines their personality. Whether they’ve just come back from Nimbin, or they’re heading off to Amsterdam for the duration of their annual leave, you can bet they’ve just got their hands on a fresh batch of skunk, or they’re about to. Their desktop wallpaper features David Chapelle or Bob Marley, their eyes are permanently blood-shot from all the cones they punch (two or three before work, one during morning tea, one during lunch, and 50 million or so at home after knock-off time), and they’re permanently trailed by a ganja stink that’s stronger than the Hordern during a Cypress Hill concert. 

The Pros:
If you’re into the wacky-tobaccy, you’ve just made yourself a new friend :-) This person will consistently score you the sweetest weed since that stuff you used to get off your highschool Drama teacher, and won’t even rip you off when it comes to price.

The Cons:
As everyone knows, chronic use of chronic can lead to short-term memory problems, aggression, loss of motivation, and impaired motor co-ordination. All of which means your new best pal may have problems dealing with various aspects of most workplaces, and can be downright dangerous if their job involves operating heavy machinery, driving, or working in air traffic control.

The Fundy AKA Hillsong Boy/Girl

Typical Names: Raymond, Henry, Fiona

Most larger offices will have at least one of these, and unfortunately even smaller companies aren’t immune (although if you work in a ‘sinful’ field like advertising or PR, your chances of running into one are thankfully reduced). The Fundy appears to come in many forms, but regardless of which particular religious strain they dogmatically adhere to (Mormons, Born Again Christians, Muslims, Hassidic Jews, Temple of the One Eyed Fruit Bat etc), this dogmatic adherance is precisely what makes all these crackpots one and the same. Although they’re generally hard workers, Fundies invariably find it hard to endear themselves to anyone but other Fundies. Perhaps its because they’re always tirelessly trying to convert you to their faith by forwarding you little Jack Chick tracts in your email or leaving copies of the Quoran lying around in the mens washrooms, perhaps its the dirty looks they give Tracy from accounts when she mentions her upcoming RSVP date, or maybe it’s just the hostility you can feel emanating from them whenever you open up a packet of “Uncle Liu’s Pork Crackling Snacks” at the office to wash down with your Friday arvo beer. 

The Pros:
None, unless you’re a Fundy yourself, or you enjoy baiting them with questions like “So tell me Fiona, if the Virgin Mary really was a virgin when she gave birth, does that mean Jesus had to tear her hymen with His teeth on the way out ? Or was it more like parting the Red Sea ?”

The Cons:
Regardless of what you do, they’re likely to disapprove. Baiting them may or may not also get you killed, especially if they have a bunch of cousins as religiously fervant as they are, and access to your personnel records.

And that, kids, is where I think we’ll end it for today – I’m sure I’ve pissed off my required daily quota of random surfers with that post ;-)Â