Listening To: SkitzMix 9 : Nick Skitz

Current Horn Factor :

Horn Factor = Oh Please, Stop the Pain !

Quote of The Day
Proleboy Dammit, I keep losing my stack pointer somewhere in fat_mount(). :(
Chigga I had the same problem the last time we went to Penrith Panthers !

Todays discussion is prompted in part by Stephs latest post over at MuchAdo, discussing (among other things), dud roots. For our non-antipodean friends, a “dud root” is otherwise known as a “bad shag”, “unfulfilling horizontal refreshment” or simply unsatisfying sex.

The thing about dud roots is - lets face it – we’ve aaaall had at least one at some point, haven’t we ? Unless you’re either very lucky, a liar, or have the ability to get off in 30 seconds flat & don’t care in the slightest whether your partner climaxes or not, it’s bound to happen to you sooner or later. At this point I could relate to you some of the horror stories I’ve experienced during the days of my own mispent youth, but I won’t. Fekkit … comedy value …. might as well huh ?

The first time I personally experienced a dud root was actually the very second time I ever had sex in my life. Indeed, the first time wasn’t that crash hot either, but I’ve gone into that elsewhere so we won’t cover it here again.  The girl in question was an online accquaintence (warning bells already hehe) in the days before the ‘Net; in other words someone I’d met through a local Sydney chat BBS.

The board shall remain nameless, suffice to say it could support a whopping 15 or so simultaneous connections at speeds of up to 2400 baud (eventually upgraded to 9600) through multiple dial-in lines, and ran on a highly modified MBBS back-end. I think Nick Skitz was actually a semi-regular user there during his teen years, and I know JimmyZ (of Nova 96.9 fame) was actually one of the sysops for a time, along with his brother. Know which board I’m talking about yet kids ? ;-)

I met this particular chica through one of the boards’ offline Yum Cha get-togethers at The Noodle Bowl in Coogee (the same restaurant that was later closed down for infecting some of its patrons with hepatitis via dodgey prawns !). The thing which instantly attracted me to her at the time was that she had a strikingly deep, sexy, smoldering voice (no – this isn’t heading where you think it’s heading gang – no Chix With Dicksâ„¢ involved in this story !). For the sake of protecting her identity and saving her from any further embarrassment (not that she’s ever likely to read this blog), for the remainder of this narrative we’ll refer to this girl by her old online nick – “ValkYrie”.

So anyways, ValkYrie and I hit it off instantly at the Yum Cha thing. Much to the annoyance of W1Z, the bald bisexual male-midget and ex-Telstra techo who had a bit of a thing for yours truly I might add, but I definitely wasn’t gonna go there ! I found out she was actually a fellow student at my uni, albeit one of those rare and bizarre people (you have to remember at the time Macquarie was still a true “Arts Campus” in every sense, and not filled with Asian full-fee students like it is today) who didn’t spend all day hanging out at the Union bar drinking beer or mulling up on the outdoors balcony#1.

ValkYrie and I had a common circle of “online accquaintences” (including the excerable W1Z, whom we’d often swap amusing pick-up anecdotes about), similar taste in music, compatible offline pursuits, we went to the same uni, and we both found the other attractive in a hard-to-define, but no less palpable way. It was therefore inevitable, I think, that over a period of 2 months or so we would spend more and more time hanging out both online and offline, until eventually things came to a head (pun fully intended).

What I didn’t know initially of course was that ValkYrie had a boyfriend – Khobi – A.K.A “ObE-1″ … but he was a minor-player in the scheme of things. Even when I met him face-to-face during a particularly bizzarre dinner date to which my best mate and ValkYries best girlfriend also tagged along, this didn’t stop the girl and I from continuing to flirt (albeit more subtely on that occassion), and didn’t stop us from continuing to build our rapport.

Fast-forward 2 months down the track, and ValkYrie, her best girlfriend and I, are all hanging out at Valks place in Lane Cove. Her boyfriend Khobi (whom I’ve started referring to as ”kay-nobby”) is at work, or his parents place, or practising Jedi mind-tricks somewhere; who the fuck cares. The point is he’s not there as usual – which is great for me ! 

We’re watching “Urotsukodoji III : Legend of the Overfiend”; a particularly crappy Japanese anime involving demon sex, random amputations and a nonsensical plotline which nevertheless incorporates various obligatory motifs including mecha, a guy who resembles the M.Bison character from Streetfighter, and cutesey-animated teenage girls wearing linegrie. Their choice of movie I might ad – not mine !  At some point, ValkYries friend begs off, because she has to go home and finish a uni assignment (she’s studying at the Sydney Conservatory, and plays the flute … yes … I knooooow, shuudduup ! :-) ) 

We’ve been drinking vodka most of the evening, and Valk has been unashamedly copping feels for most of the night even with her friend there, so I decide to push my luck. “You know, I shouldn’t really be driving home after that many drinks” I begin. “Yeah, totally … you should stay the night” she responds. “Is kay-nobby coming over later ?” I enquire, and she just laughs in that deep-pitched voice of hers. Sweet …. I’m in ! We adjourn to her bedroom, and of course it transpires that I can’t sleep out on the sofa “because my flat-mate might see”. Damn … we’re just gonna have to share her bed … who woulda thunk it, eh ?

Foreplay ensues soon after, and ten minutes after that, out comes the weapon of mass distraction. Before you know it, I’m thrusting away to NiN’s “Pretty Hate Machine” – the Cleveland industrial bands seminal 1989 studio debut. Ten minutes after that, and my companion enjoys her first noisy climax. Not bad for someone who’s had a few vodkas and is only ‘doing it’ for the second time. Perversely, she puts her hand over my mouth in a “shush” gesture, and warns me not to “wake [my] flatmate, she’s got an exam tommorrow”. What the hell ? ValkYrie is the one making all the noise, not me !

I’m still hard, I haven’t cum yet and I’ve just decided to make it my mission precisely to wake said flatmate, so I keep going. And going. And goooooing … you get the picture yet ? We ended up shagging for about 45 minutes, with her having another 2 climaxes (faked or otherwise, I’m too inexperienced at this point to tell), and myself a grand total of none. She started drying up in the end, and this combination of extra friction, too much alcohol, her continual attempts to “shush” me despite the fact she’s the one making most of the noise, and random images from the bad anime movie she made me watch starting to pop into my minds eye, eventually took their toll and I started de-tumescing.

Final ’O’ Score – ValkYrie = 3, DisappearingBoy = None

Essentially therefore, this ‘session’ basically turned out to be non-event for me. Niave teenboy that I was though, I thought it might pursuade my friend ValkYrie to dump her Jedi-geek chump boyfriend and start dating me full-time. Didn’t happen though. She gradually stopped hanging out with me after that instead.

Not only was this therefore my first experience of the phenomenon known as dud root, it was also my first experience of the phenomenon known as “woman who uses you for sex, and then discards your sorry arse coz she’s gotten what she wanted”. It’s not only guys that do it to girls, in this enlightened day and age :-(

Now it’s your turn gang – I’ve fessed up, so who else wants to share THEIR dud root stories ?

#1 I on the other hand was, but that didn’t seem to bother her.