So it begins - another season of Australian Big Brother is finally upon us. As usual, Channel 10 and the Endemol producers have been promising the usual loads of ‘earth-shattering’ surprises in the promos leading up to this year. Unfortunately, if opening night is anything to go by, this year’s effort appears to be in real danger of quickly becoming as unwatchable (at least for my money) as last year, and the ’surprises’ revealed so far are decidely of the ho-hum variety.

Let’s begin with a round-up of the housemates, in the order they were introduced.

(1) Hayley - The Lawyer / Female Bodybuilder (Blonde)

Supposedly 24 years old, although I’m seeing some bags under the eyes in the portrait on the official BB website profile linked above. Jeez guys, hasn’t anyone heard of Photoshop ? ;) Her bio clip (also linked at the official site) also seems confirm my feeling she’s about 5 - 8 years older than she claims. Should this matter ? Only in so far as someone who is going to be dishonest about their age to look more ‘appealing’ to viewers, is not like to play the 100% honesty card when it comes to other things as well. Reminds me a little bit of Angela Aiken from BB05 - the annoying-as-f*ck dating agency owner who was also obviously lying about her age, and turned out to be a prize cow and a half indeed ! Granted, the latter’s ‘age-deception’ was far more obvious to anyone but a total cretin, whereas with Hayley it isn’t so blatant, and she didn’t come across as a totally conceited cow in her bio vid. Guess we’ll have to see which way the wind blows with this one, eh ?

(2) TJ - The Bar Chick (Brunette)

I have to confess I actually missed the first 15 or so minutes of the show because the wife and I were … umm … otherwise occupied … so I didn’t see TJ’s intro as broadcast (nor Hayley’s above). Going off the bio package linked on the BB official site however, she strikes me as being a fairly normal and ‘down to earth’ 22 year old lass. Which would make her a bit of an exception to most of the rest of this year’s crop, and BB housemates in general. I have a feeling she’s quickly going to become my favourite female HM if these first impressions are confirmed, especially as she’s the ‘token’ brunette in the otherwise wall-to-wall ‘Hitler Youth Poster-Child’ lineup we have dominating proceedings this year.

(3) Rebecca - Life Be In It Coach / Mormon (Blonde)

Time to appeal to the Family First / Hillsong demographic. Claims she’s never drunk alcohol, or worn a bikini. For my money, this means she’s going to be boring-as-batshit. Who else cringed when she started trying to instigate lame-arse ‘get to know you’ games later in the show ? I’ve been to Life Be In It camps, I did ‘peer support’ at high school; I know what your game is, Beccles ;-) On the plus side, there’s the potential for some minor conflict here when she invetibly succumbs to the temptation to lecture the other HM’s on their ‘debauched’ lifestyle choices (watered down no doubt, thanks to the furor from last year’s drunken antics, and the resultant axing of BB Uncut). We may even witness a complete melt-down, if she herself ’succumbs’ to the ‘perils’ of alcohol and communal spa-usage, although her being a hardcore fundie makes such a ‘corruption’ unlikely.

(4) Kate - Lawyer / Token Overweight Girl (Bottle Blonde)

Oh look, it’s a 25 year old (bottle) blonde, slightly thinner version of Chrissie Swan from BB ‘03. She is going to annoy the piss out of me, I can tell already ! At least Chrissie had a measure of humility. Kate on the other hand, both with her video profile, the outfit she wore on the night, and her first interactions with the other HM’s, strikes me as one of those ‘porkie princesses’ you see strutting around suburban shopping centres, fat-rolls hanging out over their too-tight Glue-store jeans or Supre leggings, thinking they are ‘hot shit’. Chrissie (the aforementioned BB03 archetype this HM is derived from) may have been a few sizes bigger, but if it came down to a choice, any normal guy would still choose the former over the latter. No wonder Kate claims her perfect relationship is to be “single”. It’s a desperate rationalisation, one which we’ll doubtless see thrown to the wind the first second she perceives any of the blokes in the house are drunk enough to be even remotely interested in her. Ugh !

(5) Emma - Fitness Instructor (Blonde)

F*ck me, am I having flashbacks to living in Sweden again, or were all these people grown on The Island or something ? Depending on which media outlet / gossip board / other ‘news’ source you follow, this 24 year old bird is a former model, our first trans-gendered HM (which I doubt … but then again, Miriam from Something About Miriam, the reality show with a twist from a few years back, was actually a pretty convincing woman apart from the voice, so anything is possible I guess), or simply obligatory ‘eye candy’ for the male viewers. In a word - plastic. Basically, it’s a recycled version of Mel Smerdon, from BB ‘05.

(6) Aleisha - Hairdresser / Token Country Chick (Blonde)

*Yawn !* They’ve gone for a bit of a combo with this one. There’s the ‘zany country gal’ angle (Jess Hardy, BB ‘02), the ‘fun loving youngster/baby spice’ angle (Christie Mills, BB ‘05) - at 20, Aleisha is the youngest of the ‘confirmed’ HM’s, and the obligatory hairdresser base covered as well (coz there’s invariably one in every series, give or take). Has potential to be really … forgettable !

(7) Jamie - The Karaoke Host / ‘Nerd’ (Brunette)

The first of the boys, and doubtless a HM that’s going to become close to my own heart. He sings karaoke, has gone on countless internet dates, and exclaimed unashamedly that he’s doing this “for all the nerds out there” :) At 29, he’s also older than most of the other HM’s, and the show’s core demographic. All of which means he’s in real danger of being voted out early on, unfortunately. Although we can’t underestimate the Tim Brunero effect (BB ‘05 again) - but Tim did have the union rank-and-file on his side thanks to his pre-BB writing gig, which no doubt played a big part in helping him become a runner up (in addition to his own natural charm - don’t get me wrong, I luuurved the old Timmie, as previous posts here will attest). If anyone redeems this years bunch of HM’s, I have a feeling it’s Jamie. Paradoxically, I don’t think he would have got in during previous years - underscoring my earlier post about the poor turn-outs for auditions for this series.

(8) Bodie - The Male Model / Sparkie (Strawberry Blonde ?)

Another genetically modified, good-looking, vat grown freak ;) It’s basically a better looking version of shearer (Glen Dallinger) from BB ‘05 again, mixed with a dash of Vince Amato (BB ‘03). Are we seeing a recurring theme yet, gang ? Likely to be a sexist, self absorbed, attention seeking, bore, as evidenced by both his appearance on the show thus far, and his bio video package. The guy that all the female viewers are going to love to hate, he’s going to leave them all conflicted because he’s like “sooo hawt”, but “such a prick”. You heard it here first ;)
I’ll sum up the remaining HM’s later - it’s time to go home now and grab some groceries on the way, before watching the next ep. I think we’re seeing a pattern already though when it comes to HM selection this year, aren’t we ? With a few exceptions, I think the theme this year is “recycle, preferrably in vat-grown Ubermensch form if we can”. *sigh*

—— Updated ——–

OK - the round up of the rest of Opening Night & The HM’s :

(9) Andrew - The Fireman (Brunette)

Another anglo. He’s 28, hails from Bondi (if the online reports are to believed). First impressions are - generally inoffensive, in a vaguely bland, good-looking way. An older version of Logan-Greg from BB05 ?

(10) Joel - The Token ‘Wog’ / Young Liberal (Brunette)

The only obviously non-caucasian HM choice of the ‘confirmed’ original batch, this 24 year old restaurant manager appears image-wise to be a bit of a mixture of all the ‘ethnic’ stereotypes from previous series including Simon ‘Hotdogs’ Deering (BB ‘05), Vince Amato (BB ‘03), Dean Glucina (BB ‘05), and so on. Interestingly though, he’s the son of a former SA Senator, and is himself a member of the Young Liberals, so his ‘wog playboy’ image is mixed in with the ‘cerebral / political up-and-comer’ angle as well. Being a Young Lib, of course he’s bound to turn out to be a wanker … but at least as the only ‘token ethnic’ casting choice this year, they’ve made him more than simply one-dimensional. Small consolation though, considering he is the only out-and-out non-caucasian this year, as I’ve already mentioned.

(11) Thomas - Real Estate Agent / BFG (Blonde Tips)

He’s a good looking man-mountain, I’ll give him that. Predictably, all the girls inside (and outside) the house are gonna be swooning over him. He’d be a total alpha-male cliche, if it weren’t for the fact he seems to have a genuine ‘nice’ side. Mind you, it’s probably just some weird mutant adaptation, that lets him get even MORE chicks ;-) He’s married (but separated), and recently broke up with his girlfriend also. Claims he wants 6 months to ’sort himself out’, and has expressed a desire not to become involved with anyone in the house. Either this is a cunning ploy to get even more chicks AGAIN (after all, everyone always wants what they can’t have, don’t they ? *s*), or is something to genuinly admire him for. Another one to watch, my personal jury is out.

(12) Travis - The Truckie / Token Married Bloke (Blonde)

The first thing that popped into my head when Gretel introduced this bloke to us was “f*ck me dead Sharl, it’s Warney !” :-) Yep, he’s another white fella, blonde and blue-eyed, and all that jazz. On the plus side though, he’s a married bloke, and he’s even older than I am (32). As a (relatively) newly married man myself, I’m hoping he’ll do me proud, and resist the temptations of the assembled fem-bots. Yes - his other sub-type could be classed as a mixture of ‘bogan’ and ‘alpha male’ - but curiosly, there’s something about him which seems ‘honest’ and endearing, in a way that ‘bogans’ and (especially) ‘Alpha’ males usually are anything BUT endearing to me. I’m not entirely sure what it is … I think his calling Gretel “Big G” on the stage, before he entered the house could have something to do with it. Probably THE moment of the opening show for me.

And THAT, friends and fans, is where I’ll leave it for tonight. I’ll post about the various (non-twists) tommorrow, since the second episode revealed the majority of them.