The Rest of Your Life (v4)

Listening To: SkitzMix 9 : Nick Skitz

Current Horn Factor :

Quote of The Day
Proleboy Dammit, I keep losing my stack pointer somewhere in fat_mount().
Chigga I had the same problem the last time we went to Penrith Panthers !

Todays discussion is prompted in part by Stephs latest post over at MuchAdo, discussing (among other things), dud roots. For our non-antipodean friends, a “dud root” is otherwise known as a “bad shag”, “unfulfilling horizontal refreshment” or simply unsatisfying sex.

The thing about dud roots is – lets face it – we’ve aaaall had at least one at some point, haven’t we ? Unless you’re either very lucky, a liar, or have the ability to get off in 30 seconds flat & don’t care in the slightest whether your partner climaxes or not, it’s bound to happen to you sooner or later. At this point I could relate to you some of the horror stories I’ve experienced during the days of my own mispent youth, but I won’t. Fekkit … comedy value …. might as well huh ?

The first time I personally experienced a dud root was actually the very second time I ever had sex in my life. Indeed, the first time wasn’t that crash hot either, but I’ve gone into that elsewhere so we won’t cover it here again. The girl in question was an online accquaintence (warning bells already hehe) in the days before the ‘Net; in other words someone I’d met through a local Sydney chat BBS.

The board shall remain nameless, suffice to say it could support a whopping 15 or so simultaneous connections at speeds of up to 2400 baud (eventually upgraded to 9600) through multiple dial-in lines, and ran on a highly modified MBBS back-end. I think Nick Skitz was actually a semi-regular user there during his teen years, and I know JimmyZ (of Nova 96.9 fame) was actually one of the sysops for a time, along with his brother. Know which board I’m talking about yet kids ? 😉

I met this particular chica through one of the boards’ offline Yum Cha get-togethers at The Noodle Bowl in Coogee (the same restaurant that was later closed down for infecting some of its patrons with hepatitis via dodgey prawns !). The thing which instantly attracted me to her at the time was that she had a strikingly deep, sexy, smoldering voice (no – this isn’t heading where you think it’s heading gang – no ‘Chix With Dicks’ involved in this story !). For the sake of protecting her identity and saving her from any further embarrassment (not that she’s ever likely to read this blog), for the remainder of this narrative we’ll refer to this girl by her old online nick – “ValkYrie”.

So anyways, ValkYrie and I hit it off instantly at the Yum Cha thing. Much to the annoyance of W1Z, the bald bisexual male-midget and ex-Telstra techo who had a bit of a thing for yours truly I might add, but I definitely wasn’t gonna go there ! I found out she was actually a fellow student at my uni, albeit one of those rare and bizarre people (you have to remember at the time Macquarie was still a true “Arts Campus” in every sense, and not filled with Asian full-fee students like it is today) who didn’t spend all day hanging out at the Union bar drinking beer or mulling up on the outdoors balcony^#1.

ValkYrie and I had a common circle of “online accquaintences” (including the excerable W1Z, whom we’d often swap amusing pick-up anecdotes about), similar taste in music, compatible offline pursuits, we went to the same uni, and we both found the other attractive in a hard-to-define, but no less palpable way. It was therefore inevitable, I think, that over a period of 2 months or so we would spend more and more time hanging out both online and offline, until eventually things came to a head (pun fully intended).

What I didn’t know initially of course was that ValkYrie had a boyfriend – Khobi – A.K.A “ObE-1” … but he was a minor-player in the scheme of things. Even when I met him face-to-face during a particularly bizzarre dinner date to which my best mate and ValkYries best girlfriend also tagged along, this didn’t stop the girl and I from continuing to flirt (albeit more subtely on that occassion), and didn’t stop us from continuing to build our rapport.

Fast-forward 2 months down the track, and ValkYrie, her best girlfriend and I, are all hanging out at Valks place in Lane Cove. Her boyfriend Khobi (whom I’ve started referring to as “kay-nobby”) is at work, or his parents place, or practising Jedi mind-tricks somewhere; who the fuck cares. The point is he’s not there as usual – which is great for me ! 

We’re watching “Urotsukodoji III : Legend of the Overfiend”; a particularly crappy Japanese anime involving demon sex, random amputations and a nonsensical plotline which nevertheless incorporates various obligatory motifs including mecha, a guy who resembles the M.Bison character from Streetfighter, and cutesey-animated teenage girls wearing linegrie. Their choice of movie I might ad – not mine ! At some point, ValkYries friend begs off, because she has to go home and finish a uni assignment (she’s studying at the Sydney Conservatory, and plays the flute … yes … I knooooow, shuudduup ! :-))

We’ve been drinking vodka most of the evening, and Valk has been unashamedly copping feels for most of the night even with her friend there, so I decide to push my luck. “You know, I shouldn’t really be driving home after that many drinks” I begin. “Yeah, totally … you should stay the night” she responds. “Is kay-nobby coming over later ?” I enquire, and she just laughs in that deep-pitched voice of hers. Sweet …. I’m in ! We adjourn to her bedroom, and of course it transpires that I can’t sleep out on the sofa “because my flat-mate might see”. Damn … we’re just gonna have to share her bed … who woulda thunk it, eh ?

Foreplay ensues soon after, and ten minutes after that, out comes the weapon of mass distraction. Before you know it, I’m thrusting away to NiN’s “Pretty Hate Machine” – the Cleveland industrial bands seminal 1989 studio debut. Ten minutes after that, and my companion enjoys her first noisy climax. Not bad for someone who’s had a few vodkas and is only ‘doing it’ for the second time. Perversely, she puts her hand over my mouth in a “shush” gesture, and warns me not to “wake [my] flatmate, she’s got an exam tommorrow”. What the hell ? ValkYrie is the one making all the noise, not me !

I’m still hard, I haven’t cum yetÂand I’ve just decided to make it my mission precisely to wake said flatmate, so I keep going. And going. And goooooing … you get the picture yet ? We ended up shagging for about 45 minutes, with her having another 2 climaxes (faked or otherwise, I’m too inexperienced at this point to tell), and myself a grand total of none. She started drying up in the end, and this combination of extra friction, too much alcohol, her continual attempts to “shush” me despite the fact she’s the one making most of the noise, and randomm images from the bad anime movie she made me watch starting to pop into my minds eye, eventually took their toll and I started de-tumescing.

Final ‘O’ Score – ValkYrie = 3, DisappearingBoy = None

Essentially therefore, this ‘session’ basically turned out to be non-event for me. Niave teenboy that I was though, I thought it might pursuade my friend ValkYrie to dump her Jedi-geek chump boyfriend and start dating me full-time. Didn’t happen though. She gradually stopped hanging out with me after that instead.

Not only was this therefore my first experience of the phenomenon known as dud root, it was also my first experience of the phenomenon known as “woman who uses you for sex, and then discards your sorry arse coz she’s gotten what she wanted”. It’s not only guys that do it to girls, in this enlightened day and age

Now it’s your turn gang – I’ve fessed up, so who else wants to share THEIR dud root stories ?

^#1 I on the other hand was, but that didn’t seem to bother her.

Listening To: Hormonally Yours : Shakespeare’s Sister

Talk about a busy week y’all !

Met a very groovy chick last night. Absolutely frikkin gorgeous! latina by the name of Lisa. Not that my night actually started all that fantastically mind you. Disappearing Boy was actually supposed to meet someone else at THS, so was waiting there at the appointed hour. Now I’d only seen one photo of my intended date online … and it wasn’t exactly the best pic either, so I wasn’t expecting to be ‘overwhelmed’ really.

So I’m waiting, waiting, doo di doo, when I spot this skanky looking chick doing the whole ‘checking out people at the steps to try and see if I recognise my date’ thing. She doesn’t look ANYTHING like the photo, but I don’t see anyone else around resembling my intended date. I wait a few more beats, still no-one resembling MY date, and skanky grrl is still looking for HERS. “F*ck bro, I sooo hope that’s not her” I mutter under my breath, loud enough for anyone near me to hear but hopefully not so loud SHE will hear me, before clearing my throat and addressing the skank.

“Tara ?” I get no response. A little bit louder this time – “Hey !” she looks at me “Are you Tara ? I’m Pete ….” Skanky grrl shakes her head and starts to back away a little … obviously thinking “ah fŨck … another Town Hall nutter !”

That’s when the girl standing next to me, who I hadn’t noticed except in peripheral vision, starts cracking up. I look over … “aaaah” … I AM overwhelmed … instantly … because she looks fan-bloody-tastic, and her photo doesn’t do her justice at all ! “Tara ?” “No … Lisa …” “Oh dear …”

After she finally stops laughing, and after a bit of awkward conversation and stammering on my part, it transpires that no – this girl is indeed not my intended date either. She’s waiting for a friend, and I’m still waiting for my ‘net-date to show. Damn, damn, damn ! Compared to the girl I’m talking to, my date is sure to be a disappointment. We chat for a bit longer about this and that, and as always being in close proximity to someone this gorgeous is shutting down half of my brain cells. Finally I spot someone who looks like the eponimous Tara, only 20 pounds heavier, crossing the road. “Shit … I think that’s my date”, I tell the lovely Lisa. “Good luck !” she replies with a smile and a wink, and moves discretely away.

Tara comes up to me, we do the introductions etc. and head off for coffee at Cube. I’m thinking of the only two other dates I’ve been on at Cube. One was awkward … so I knew pretty much straight away I wasn’t seeing that one again. At the time I’d thought the other went well … but alas the girl in question had nixed any further meetings. So I haven’t had the best track record at Cube so far, and I’m already thinking this one isn’t going to lead anywhere either.

Naturally, I turn out to be right. Talking to Tara for half an hour confirms what my eyes told me in the first five seconds I saw her – i.e. I don’t want to meet up with her again. Not only is she twenty pounds heavier than her photo (“oh yeah, that picture on my profile is about 3 years old”), but we don’t have much in common, and she seems like another one of those online ‘serial daters’. “FŨck that !” I think to myself, and after we finish our coffees I wind the date up as quickly as I can.

I bid Tara “goodnight & good luck !” back at Town Hall steps, and wonder what to do with myself next. Fekkit … dismal date … I feel like a beer or three. So I decide to head to CBD hotel for a bit. Get there and get myself a schooner of Carlton at the bar, before having a look around. Fuchs me ! Who do I spot sitting at a corner table but the gorgeous girl I’d met earlier at the steps ! She’s chatting to some tall, dorky looking, slightly dishevelled looking yuppie who appears to be hitting on her pretty strongly. Must be the ‘friend’ she was meeting earlier. Sheeeeit ! So I sip my beer for a bit, but the bar area is getting pretty crowded and I see a free table near to the one Lisa and her bloke are sitting at. I decide to head over to the free table.

Lisa spots me making my way over to the free table, and gives me a strange look. It’s as if she’s thinking “thank god you’re here”. I stop, and she turns to the guy she’s with. “So this is the boyfriend I was telling you about – this is Pete” she tells him. “Ahhhh …” I’m a bit confused. Lisa turns back to me – “This is Brad” she says, “and he’s leaving”, looking at him pointedly. Only he doesn’t leave straight away. “Ah … ok … yeah … you know you’re gorgeous (he says to her), and yeah .. mate … I’m not gay … but … you’re a good lookin sort too. You know … you guys are a great lookin couple. You guys are gonna have beautiful children. You go for it guys ! You have a great night !” is the monologue of shit he spins Then he gets up and pulls out the seat ostensibly for me, and stumbles off in the direction of the bar. I sit down, and look at Lisa quizically. She tells me the guy is a real estate agent who’s been tyring to hit on her for the last 15 minutes, and thanks me for ‘going with the flow’ and giving her an ‘out’ of that conversation. She also assures me she’s actually single. We both laugh at Brads drunken pick-up attempts, and smile at eachother. *Poww* … instant bonding !

I ask her what happened to the friend she was waiting at THS for – stood up, apparently. I order a glass of white for her, and another beer for me, and it seems like she starts to really relax. The beer seems to losen my brain-lock too, and the conversation really starts flowing at this point. We talk about all sorts of shit – from football to pop-culture, our jobs, music, my dismal date at Cube etc etc etc. It’s the kind of conversation I wish I could have on all my dodgey ‘net dates, but rarely do.

Thankgod for alcohol ;P

We finally end up leaving the pub … to find a taxi for her and get me to the train station. Walking along she reaches for my arm, and it comes up automatically, like the most natural thing in the world. Total Jane Austen moment ! Find a taxi a little further down the street, she gives me a quick hug and we exchange pecks on the cheek … and then she completely floors me. “Would you like to do this again ?” asks Lisa.

Oh my god ! This is the first time I’ve been out with a girl in sod knows how long (since I guess somewhere along the line the night metamorphosed into a ‘date’ with her at the pub) where the girl has popped that question before I did …

Needless to say, after recovering from the pleasant shock, I manage to stammer out “Y.. yeah .. for suuuure !”. She gives me her number, and smiles. “Cool”. Exit Lisa stage left.

So …. I really, REALLY hope this isn’t going to be another one of those “I though the night went well, but she had a different impression” deals !!!

Disappearing Boy go now … need to look busy at work hehe

Listening To: Consistency Theory : 1200 Techniques

Another weekend, another date or 3 …

Met up with a hot little 21 year old Arts graduate wannabe-writer @ Three Wise Monkeys.

Singapore-Indian background … yeah, another one ! You’d think I have a ‘thing’ for these exotic ones, wouldn’t you ? 😉 She’s working in the Danoz Direct call centre at the moment … gotta love the useful of those Arts degrees, don’t you …

She was cute, funny, intelligent and had a nice rack (assuming the wonderbra factor wasn’t at play) – what more could ya want 😉 Actually, for those of you who don’t know – I’m not really a breast-man … it’s kind of ‘take it or leave it’ when it comes to that, and if they’re too big I actually find it a turn off ! A nice, long, tanned pair of legs on the other hand ….

Anyway, I think I’d like to see this one again … so what else is new ?

Tell you what though, at this rate I reckon it’s gonna be a while before my mum gets her not-so-secret wish of seeing me with a white chick ! She’s not the only one who’s been making comments about that lately either …. hmm, I feel a conpiracy afoot among my family and friends ;P

Ok, me go now … need sleep !

Listening To: The Reincarnation of Luna : My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult

Met up with a cutey @ Cohi Bar in Darling Harbour today. One of those rare ones who looks better in real-life than the photo they email / the one that’s on their online profile. So much so in this case, that I spent a good 5 or 10 minutes drinking my over-priced Czech beer (would have gone for a local variety, but the only thing they had which wasn’t imported were VB stubbies) and muttering to myself not more than 3 metres in front of her before she finally came over and said “Pete ? I was wondering how long it would take you to recognise me !”

Oh my god, how embarassment

Anyhow, this one is another journo (went out with an assistant producer from 60 Minutes once, before this blog was spawned … alas she had wrinkles and a fat arse, neither of which inclined me towards a second date), who works mornings at Nova 96.9, and arvos writing for the fashion / lifestyle section (yes, she derides it too thankgod) of a publication she hasn’t name-dropped to me yet. So she definitely has a brain. On top of that she looks pretty damn good, as I believe I may have mentioned already. Vaguely reminds me of a cuter version of my friend Siobhan from uni really.

Siobhan also happens to be a journo (business IT … how very tragic, I know), and very quietly, I’ve had a major attraction to that particular wordsmith since the get-go ! Umm which would be verging on what … 9 frikkin years now ? Somehow I think I may have ‘passed my window of opportunity’ with that one, waddayathink ? 😉

But back to the present, and my sexy Siobhan-clone of a date. She happens to be a Melbourne girl originally, which inclined me to liking her even more. In fact, a lot of what we talked about was living in Melbourne, the club scene down there versus here, and blah di blah di blah …

I had a good time, which I guess isn’t a great sign. Y’see, as I keep saying – it’s always the ones I like that frikkin don’t want to meet up again. Sod’s Law !

Took me forever to get home, thanks to the lovely private bus service Westbus operates to Castle Hole which only comes once an hour on weekends. God how I love the ‘burbs ! Depressed and tired, I went to sleep for a few hours, before having to get up and do some grocery shopping for mum. The latter person is driving me slightly batty by the way, as usual, and it looks like she will be staying in Oz longer than expected because dad’s decided at the last minute to come out here for Xmas after all.

Just great … I love having mum here for a little while, and do need to see her and dad every now and then, but whenever I spend too long with them, that’s when the bile really starts rising to the surface ! Waddayado ?

I think I might bugger off to sleep at this point, busy day ahead tommorrow !

I’ll leave you with a link though … this is too fŨckin funny

Listening To: Nothing : Coz It’s L8

You know, one of these days I swear my luck is going to run out. Then I shall be well and truly farkt ! Had another date tonight, with a rather fetching (yes … ‘fetching’ … not ‘felching’ … dirty minded readers that you are) young lass of Serbian extraction.

Vaguely optimistic about the ‘outcome’ (i.e. the potential for a second date), but of course you can never tell with these things so best not to get ones hopes up. She didn’t ask me any awkward questions, unlike the model, and she didn’t take me to a sex-shop or confess to still smoking pot, unlike the recruitment / graphic design Asian girl. So it’s all good.

We met up @ Roxy Parramatta, apparently someone’s birthday ‘do’. This chick smokes and drinks almost as much as I do, which again is ‘all good’. Kind of hard to connect with someone who leads a ‘pristine existence’ really, innit ?

Had a vodka or 7, then did the drive home, which of course is where the whole ‘luck’ angle comes in again. Got RBT’d on Windsor road, just before the turn off to where my Maths tutor used to live. I KNEW I shoulda taken Old Northern Road !

Anyhoo, the scary little wog-man in blue got me to do the usual “count to ten please sir” … only this time after checking his life-destruction device he tells me “right well I’ve got a reading here, so I need you to blow into this tube in the usual way, so I can confirm if you’re over the limit or not”

Well sod me, if I’m not shitting myself again, innit ?

So I blow inta the tube for 3 seconds like he tells me to. Bacon-bits then tells me to take the tube – I try to pull the fekking thing off soberly, but it ends up flying off suddenly and ricocheting off the roof of the car before hitting me in the shoulder. “Shit bro, d’ya reckon he can tell I’m a bit trashed ?” I think to myself. He checks his readout, umms and arrrs for a bit, then goes back behind my car to consult with his fellow pork by-products.

Dammit bro, this suspense is killing me ! Just get it ooover with !

Finally he comes back “How far have you got to drive sir ?” “Just to Castle Hill” “Ok, well you’re borderline. So I’d drive very carefully if I were you.” “Will do. Thankyou.”

Relief once again washes over me, as I drive away trying not to speed, but not to crawl either. In my rear-view I see wog-trooper start up his car and follow me for a while, but eventually he overtakes me and disappears into the night.

I really, really have to stop frikkin doin this shit !

Another day, another date. Just had coffee at the mall with another tres-exotique young lass. 28 years old, works in financial services for a car dealership. Which means she’s probably one of those people who makes poor suckers like Ben Mendhleson’s character in The Big Steal (?) pay 3 times their cars actual value in ‘easy finance options’. But hey, we all have to make a buck somehow, right ?

Anyhoo … she’s another Paki-Malaysian blend, though this one grew up in Singapore and looks Indian more than anything else. Which is always music to my tastebuds ;P Unlike the one I hooked up with last night, she doesn’t strike as the type to buy porn and toys on a first date either … which isn’t necessarily a bad thing ! And I don’t think she’s a pot-smoker either, unlike the other one. That is definitely good news !

She actually walked right past me on her way from the carpark to the mall interior, and I caught myself thinking “If that’s her she’s even cuter than her photo”.

This was right after the slightly less enthralling realisation “Ah fŨck, if that’s her she’s taller than me !” Yes, unfortunately dear readers, this one towers over me in only moderately chunky shoes … 178cm tall … yikes !

So if she ever wears heels when we go out again, I am well and truly fŨcked unless I get myself some of those $500 goth boots with the chunky-arse sole and reinforced steel toe they sell at Raben. Somehow though, she doesn’t strike me as the kinda gal who would appreciate that look …

Yet another date tonight. This one was a 25 year old Recruitment Consultant, who like me used to work as a graphic designer. Talk about a bitzer – apparently her ethnic background is a mixture of Pakistani, Malaysian, Vietnamese and Chinese ! To me, she just looked like a pretty sexy Asian chick really. Especially the now-almost-standard-for-any-woman-under-30 celtic design tattoo peeking out casually from the hipsters at the base of her spine. Yummy !

Nonetheless, it was a bit of a weird night … one of these spur-of-the-moment things really, so when I called her she said she was going out for dinner in Newtown with her (female) flatmate, and would I care to join them ? “Luuuurve to ….”

Of course what I didn’t count on was that the flatmates boyfriend was also coming, along with 3 other couples whose apartment in Olympic Park we stopped off at first !

Fark me ! Talk about highschool group-date !

Of course, back at highschool nobody actually owned their own place. You can imagine my discomfort (not to mention obvious silence) as everyone traded renovation tips, talk of first homebuyers grants etc etc.

I mean, even my 25 year old date had just bought her first apartment … the very swanky place in Baulkham Hills I’d gone to meet her at !

Needless to say, I felt myself shrinking inwardly in embarrassment, and hoping no-one asked about my living situation.

Once we actually got to Newtown things brightened up a little bit, as I proceeded to ‘educate’ the lads about their beer choices while we were getting ‘take out’ for the restaurant (“Look, Coopers is shit … and if we’re going Japanese why don’t you get Kirin ? Me ? Ah, I’m just gonna get a six-pack of Becks”) .

Once we’d finally got a table at the place in question, talk moved on smoothly to food choices and other mundanities. Although I did find out my date eats massive amounts of junkfood to no ill effect apparently. Her theory is ‘your body becomes immune to the fat’ which is just stupid ! More like ‘you’re a lucky little sow with fantastic metabolism’ !

One thing which was spinning me out about the whole evening, and still is now actually, is the immense sense of deja-vous I had about this bunch of people.

I swear I’ve met all these peeps somewhere before !

Umm … yeah … considering they all live in the Hills district, and go to The Tav on occasion I probably have for all I know !

Anyhoo, dinner concluded peacefully … and only one other bit of weirdness ensued before we finally headed home. Namely

My date, her flatmate, the boyfriend and myself stopped in at The Toolshed, because my date decided she needed a new vibrator and some porn videos

Now I don’t know about you, but that’s not normally the kind of thing I do on a first date … stop in at a sex shop. Methinks I might want to see this girl again 😉

AaaaarrrrgggH !

It’s a quarter past three in the morning, and I can’t frikkin’ sleep even though I have removalists coming tommorrow at eight o’clock to move my stuff back to one of my least favourite suburbs in Sydney – a little place I like to call Castle Hole

I’ve spent the last two weeks stressing about the move, and the last week or so actually moving most of my smaller items myself after getting home from work – I figure I’ll be paying them by the hour, and ever the cheapskate I want them to actually move as little of my junk as possible, and be darn quick about it boys !

Also feeling seriously peeved at a certain person below …

… coz she seems to have *suddenly* (and with no good reason) put the brakes on what was developing rather nicely. I think you’re gonna go on my time wasters list soon babe !

Serves me right for trying to pursue chemistry with someone who took me along to her ex-boyfriend’s birthday party on our first date and proceeeded to let me know he was ‘hung like a malformed donkey’ … doesn’t it ?

I don’t think I like permanent insomnia. Especially when it makes me feel nauseous and fŨcked up for most of the next day, like it did today.

On that note kids, excuse me while I go to collapse now …

I went on a date with the above 30 year old gym instructor + model last night. Yes … that is really her photo ! Blew me away too when she first sent it … it’s like “Naaaah … that’s gotta be bullshit”. But honest to god she looks like that. Of course the camera lies to a certain extent … her nose is bigger in real life. But lets just say she definitely won’t be featuring on fugly.com any time soon !

Now I’ve been on a hell of a lot of dates in my life, especially over the last year or so. Nonetheless, she asked me a question no other date has ever popped, and which has left me quietly pondering in a way I haven’t pondered in a long, long while.

Essentially, what this hottie asked me was the standard job interview question of

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time ?

I panicked ! Mr. Smooth was gone. Never mind the visits to the solarium, the daily jogs which tire me out to almost beyond exhaustion, followed by the weight sessions which take me past it, my suitably yuppie sounding job “I’m a recruitment consultant specialising in the medical industry”, and all the other stuff which is supposed to make me seem ‘together’ and ‘a winner‘ and all that happy horeshit.

I had no coherent answer !

Sure, I rambled off some guff about wanting to be financially secure, if not rich, wanting to get my design business back up and running etc. etc. but I think she could see in my eyes it was all a bluff and me shooting off the first thing that came into to my head.

Somehow I get the feeling she’s not gonna call me again !