The Rest of Your Life (v3.0)

Listening To: Thankyou : Duran Duran

Hi there loyal readers – I must apologise for lack of updates recently. I’ve been kept fairly busy at work this month (started a new role – same pay though which sucks), so haven’t had the same amount of time I did previously to devote to regular updates or even reading other peoples blogs. Not sure how we’ll remedy the situation, but in the meantime here’s yet another look at the amusing world of search phrases other people are using to find the site this month …

Gianna Pattison Fans
b05 gianna images
bb gianna
bb gianna desktop wallpapers
big brother gianna
big brother gianna pictures
big brother’s gianna
big brother uncut gianna
big brothers gianna pictures
bigbrother gianna pictures
fŮcking gianna
gianna
gianna – big brother
gianna bb
gianna bb images
gianna bb pics
gianna bb05 australia picture
gianna bb05 photos
gianna bb05 pictures
gianna bb05 uncut
gianna bb05 uncut pics
gianna big
gianna big brother
gianna big brother pictures
gianna big brother sexy pictures
gianna brother pics
gianna from bb
gianna from bb pictures
gianna from bb wallpaper
gianna from big brother
gianna of adelaide
gianna photo big brother christmas adelaide
gianna pics bb
gianna pictures
giannas
giannas name big brother
origin energy gianna
origin energy xmas party 2004 pics gianna
photos of gianna from bb05
pictures of gianna
pictures of gianna [big brother]
pictures of gianna from bb

Hoo boy ! Ever since I wrote a bit of a rant a few posts ago sticking up for the pint-sized princess from Adelaide, it seems like the biggest number of my hits have come from desperate dickheads wanting pictures of the BB05 evictee. Sorry guys – I don’t have any nude photos of GG, and even if I didn’t I wouldn’t be posting ‘em. Why don’t you go out and buy Ralph or something, if you’re that desperate ? I’ll post ONE of the Origin Energy Xmas Party shots I got from elsewhere off the web here … but that’s it ! Enough already with the Gianna thing, kapish ?!

Click for larger image …

 

General BB05 Fans
bb uncut
bb uncut images
bb uncut pics
bb05
bb05 australia audition tapes
bb05 contestants
bb05 glenn
bb05 housemates
bb05 kate real name
bb05 michelle
bb05 sex
bb05 tim
bb05 uncut
bb05 uncut images
bb05 uncut nude movie
bb05 uncut pics
christie bb05
glenn bb05
glenn bb05 pictures
glenn big brother racist
glenn of bb05
gretle big brother profile
hot dogs bb05
hotdogs – real name bb05
hotdogs big brother real name
hotdogs real name bigbrother
kate bb05
michelle bb05
pictures of housemates bb05
tim bb05
tim fans bb05
tim off bb05
uncut bb

For some reason, it seems a lot of the BB05 crowd that come to my site want the nudie pics of their favourite housemates which I just don’t have ! Sod knows I wish I did … I could probably make a mint, like the guys from those websites and magazines which carry Michelle’s (‘Harley’) erotic pre-BB photos must be making. Alas no, you’ll just find occasional references to my watching the show, chants of “Go Tim, Go !”, and discussions taking the piss out of evictees like Glenn & Dean. Sorry …

More Porn & ‘Naughty Celeb’ Addicts
18 years small teen hardcore
bella and evan
big arse girl photos
big ass chicks
big ass photos
busty aussie celebrity
celebrity boys spanked
celebrity shags
country boy pics
david hasslehoff emails
dieter brummer home and away
evan and bella
felching
girls pissin
illsa ss
julie delphie
mark phillipousis girlfriend
mark phillipousis paris hilton
pissin drinking
www.big shags.com

I swear … I don’t run a prØn site … so why do people visit this blog hoping for pictures of the above variety ? It particularly disturbs me that sick little puppies looking for golden shower or felching pics are somehow ending up at my blog. Does Google hate me just because I stopped hosting on Blogger ?

Desperate, Horny Singles
bondi oil babe
dating virgin filipinas
dating while pre-op
desperate housewives looking for guys
horny single st leonards
housewives feeling trapped
malaysian hottie
meeting backpackers for sex
people pashing
perth tiny bikinis beach
pissing housewives
single wog female
virgin girl still in her 20′s

Hahaha ! I feel kinda sorry for the unfortunate punter looking for a “single wog female” or “virgin girl still in her 20′s” who ends up at TROYL instead. Maybe I should start a cam-site and charge them $21.95 a month to see my (photoshopped) boobies ? I’m not sure what a “bondi oil babe” is …

Penile Obssessives
37!!! my girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!!!
cock accident
dick humour
my black cock blog

As I’ve said before and I’ll say again, “there’s nothin like a dose of big, black cock !”. Pity you won’t find it on my blog, eh ? ;P A special shout out also to the person who looked for “norgs” and came across DB’s blatherings hehe

Alcoholics & Other Miscreants
absynthe
how much absinthe gets you drunk?
life stories of methamphetamines
merrivale group
slipp inn
st leonards tavern
three wise monkeys tattoo

How much absinthe gets you drunk indeed ! Also, I reckon the peeps getting three wise monkeys tattoos are the same ones looking for backpacker sex. Think about it …

Plain Weird
ex-boyfriend blogs
heterosexal
lateness and puberty
port stephens sand dunes murdered bodies
solariums in castle hill

I’m glad a google search for “heterosexal” brings up TROYL. It would be even better if I came up under heterosexual, but I guess beggers can’t be choosers. As for the murdered bodies person … hmm … I hope this isn’t someone who’s buried a couple of corpses somewhere in Port Stephens, and is checking to see if his/her foul play has come to light. If that’s the case … I know nothing … I SWEAR. Even if it isn’t, I still know nothing hehe

And finally -

People That Make You Go “Awwwwww”
proud of your man and relationship
i will save a dance for you for the rest of my life

These ones give me a warm fuzzy feeling. All together now … “awwwwwww”

That’s it for this month’s search popular search phrases gang. There’s other random ones about Hotels, IG’s blog, Weggs blog and of course Wes Boone, but for the sake of brevity we’ll just go with the sampling above.

Peace out !

Listening To: With Teeth : Nine Inch Nails

Hi gang, continuing in the vein of the last post, here is a very quick squizz at first the keyword search statistics from this site (as opposed to my old blog), ranked by % of hits …

Top Search Term

heroin for the rest of your life

Looks like my junkie fanbase is growing. Umm .. damn … sorry guys … but I really don’t have any instructions on cooking up …

Celebrity Stalkers

bella and evan -pink salt

Dieter has dropped off the list for now, but the sad fỡcks in cyberland who wanna give the young restauranters Bella & Evan a piece of sausage are still finding me here …

Desperate & Dateless

where to meet hot goth chicks, find a model date, housewives pissing, ig booty girls

Nice … 11% of my hits come from guys who want to know where to meet hot goth chicks. I could tell you … but then I’d have to kill you – sorry guys ! As for IG Booty Girls … honey … is there something you’re not telling me ? ;P

Just Funny

why do my kindeys hurt

Hahahahaha ! That is truly priceless … some poor sick bastard with impending renal failure, doing a search on google to explain their symptoms and coming across my blog as the answer

Terrorists / Revolutionaries

sendero luminoso bolivia

I swear … I have no secret links to ANY South American guerilla groups. How google led this poor sucker to my site I haven’t a clue …

Listening To: Anarchy : Busta Rhymes

Well hi, hi, HI THERE groovers ! Today for your amusement and edification, I thought I’d give y’all a bit of a peek at my web statistics and exactly what kind of other visitors you’re sharing this (hyper)space with. That’s right fans, I’m gonna give you a quick rundown of some of the keywords people have used to find my humble blog over the last two months using search engines like google & yahoo. Looking through it, I’m almost tempted to make my site MORE smutty rather than less so – coz it looks like that would be the only thing to appeal to many of my transient google surfers ;P Apart from yourselves (refined, intelligent, sexy … all in all, top blokes and sheilas … naturally), the majority of my visitors seem to fall into a number of categories :

Sexual Deviants

Popular Search Phrases:
bucket’o'meat
Illsa, She-Wolf of the SS
lost aussie pussy
perlovka prague
pictures of my girlfriend
pissin girls arse
swedish backpackers pickup sex melbourne

Obviously the highest class of surfer a webmaster can hope to attract to their site. Some of these searches make sense. The Illsa video (a so-bad-its-good uber-cheesy S&M flick one of my uni friends purported to own) provides inspiration for one of the titles in ’101 Chicks to Avoid’ for example. Ditto ‘Perlovka’ – the infamous street in Prague where all the Russian and Estonian hookers hangout, mentioned coincidentally in a post on investing in pubs as the place where my unfortunate grandparents live. But ‘swedish backpackers pickup sex melbourne’ ? How the hell THAT leads someone to my site, I’m just not sure !

As for ‘lost aussie pussy’ … I think someone at google just doesn’t like me, waddaya reckon ? ;P

Wannabe StarfŨckers

Popular Search Phrases:
bella and evan – pink salt
celebrity shags
deiter brummer
houses at summer bay
paris hilton sex video with mark phillipousis
shannen doherty rick soloman

Actually I’m surprised I don’t get more of these people, given the ‘Top 10 Celebrity Shags’ post I get a hell of a lot of Deiter Brummer groupie wannabes visiting though .. gotta love the irony ! I was gonna be Shane on H&A, Brummer you git … but I guess I’m having the last laugh ;P Bella and Evan from My Restaurant Rules are pretty popular too, for some reason. I dunno guys … I’d do her, but I’m not so sure I’d do him. Finally – sorry to disappoint anyone who wants a ‘paris hilton sex video with mark phillipousis’ … but I don’t have any of those. Got a Paris & Rick Soloman … but that’s mine. Go buy your own copy from your local smut-merchant … we don’t sell porn here !

The Drunk & The Drug-Phukt

Popular Search Phrases:
5 cougars thanks
big ass wines
methamphetamines & foil
slipp inn sydney merrivale
sprite recharge
sprite recharge bus stop

You gotta feel sorry for the poor bastard who just wants instructions on how to cook up his dexies, and comes across my shit instead hehe

Muriel’s Wedding Fans

Popular Search Phrases:
chatswood venues to purchase muriel’s wedding video
muriel’s wedding leather pants
muriel’s wedding wav terrible

These ones are a little weird. Granted, some people like Toni Collette, and Muriel’s Wedding WAS an allright movie … but ‘muriel’s wedding leather pants’ ? I’m not entirely sure whether that shouldn’t correctly be filed under ‘Sexual Deviants’ …

Horror Movie Fans

Popular Search Phrases:
brad dourif child’s play wav
village of the damned

Now these really ARE my kind of readers ! Horror fans, and in the first case, probably musos too (since they’re looking for Child’s Play SAMPLES). Please stay !

Just Plain Weird

Popular Search Phrases:
alistair crowley wicca novel
bikey circles
giving people brand names
mavridis blog some
paintball bungers
wes boone

OK people … who the fŨck is Wes Boone ? Own up Wes … you’re running a self-promotion campaign on the web, using The Rest of Your Life as some kind of perverted fame-building tool, aren’t you ? How the hell else can you explain the fact I get at least one hit a week looking for you on my site, and I don’t know who the hell you are, or where I’ve mentioned you ?

Now all of the above are pretty good, but of course there has to be one search phrase which outshines all the rest … one weird and wacky surfer who stumbled upon my site thanks to the magic of google, and no doubt thought to him/herself “what the ?” Little did this person realise, I’m sure, is that thanks to the power of webstats you and I can now look at their search phrase and also think to ourselves “What The ?”

My Favourite Search Phrase

a t-shirt with a log of chucky from ‘childs play’ the movie

For those readers not up with their yankee slang, a ‘log’ is another name for a big, chunky, steaming piece of faecal matter ! So there you have it fans … I can now officially say, asides from discerning readers like yourselves, my weblog also appeals to Sexual Deviants, Wannabe StarfŨckers, The Drunk & Drug-Phukt, Muriel’s Wedding Fans, Horror Fans, General Weirdos , Friends of Wes Boone, AND PEOPLE LOOKING FOR T-SHIRTS OF CHUCKY FROM CHILD’S PLAY HANGING A GREAT, BIG, STEAMING SHIT !!!

Don’t you feel in stellar company ?

Listening To: French Hip-Hop Vol.1: Various Artists

I know, I know … it’s been a week between blog entries. My excuse is I’ve been busy … first with a deliriously happy 3 days spent re-acquainting myself with the divine Imaginery Girl on her return to Sydney, followed by a week of feverish (and simultaneously tedious) work boredom.

In between that, I’ve just had time to read and comment on a few other people’s blogs, rather than update my own. I did try to post something new on Friday afternoon, but predictably enough, blogger spat the dummy when I hit the “Publish Post” button (as it often does when I’m ‘posting live’), and once again I’d forgotten to copy my html to notepad first to guard against the possibility of that occurring. So now, come Monday afternoon, I’m going to try recreate that original post again, remembering the sacred mantra “hit publish once, but copy and paste often” …

Now, to give you a bit of background on this particular post, I should remind readers you of what I currently do ‘for a living’. I work for the ‘retail scanning’ division of a global market research organisation. What we do essentially is buy raw point-of-sale (‘scanning’) data from various (mostly grovery) retailers, and then process this data and sell the resultant output in the forms of various reports to interested parties (e.g. manufacturers, marketers and the actual retailers themselves). My involvement is on a systems level i.e. at present I’m part of group involved in coverting our internal operations from using one obsolete in-house system to a new (already obsolete) I.T. system.

For the purpose of this post however, my actual role within this process is immaterial. What matters is the ‘data’ I come across during my day-to-day, being in this case the various brand-names grocery manufacturers in the Australian market use to differentiate / identify / brand their products with. Looking at some of these, one can’t help but wonder “why the fŨck would anyone in their right mind name their product along these lines ?” I’m actually thinking of making this post the first in a semi-regular series, using brand-names with different themes – there are that many to work with ! But for now, I’m going to start with a handful best labelled the “Dodgey Sexual Reference” brands, and see what you guys think. So without further ado, here is my innaugural list of

DODGEY AUSTRALIAN GROCERY BRANDS
(Predominently Sexual References Theme)

ALL FECT
I can just see the discussion between the marketing guys who came up with this one. “Hey Bruce, waddayathink of this mob’s products ?” “Ah mate, they’re all fect !” “Hey … that could be a catchy brandname …” Or maybe it’s the Kiwi version of FCUK … waddathink ?

ANIMAL SCENTS
Ah yes, just what we all need. Cats piss and wet doberman smell. Really giving Ambi-Pur a run for their money …

ANYTIME
First of the true sexual references. “I’m ready to go baby … anyplace, anytime, take me now. Rrreow !”

ANYTIME RAVE
See, now these guys probably saw the anytime brand and figured “Hah … pussies … we’ll add ‘RAVE’ to the end of our brand and capture the youth market !” Never mind that young people don’t call ‘em raves anymore …

BACCHUS
Ah, good old Bacchus, God of Wine and Debauchery (aka kinky sex). You can’t go wrong with a God like that …

BACK PADDOCK
Now some people like taking it in the back paddock. Personally I don’t, but whatever floats your boat luvvies …

BASICALLY WILD
“So how’s your new boyfriend, Janet ?” “Oh, he’s dreamy. He has long hair, rides a Harley and … gosh … he’s basically wild !”

BEIJING BLACK
Bet you’ve always wondered what Beijing Black tastes like, haven’t you ? The forbidden always thrills. Give in, give in nooooow !

BIG ASS WINES
We also process data from liquour retailers, which is where this gem obviously comes from. D’you reckon the manufacturers spent a long day sampling some of their own product, before coming up with the brand-name ?

BIG BOY
I’m tempted to break into a Hale & Pace routine here, but I won’t. Speaks for itself, dunnit ?

BIG ONES
Right up there with the aforementioned big boy, this is also sure to get a laugh out of the tits’n'arse Brit-Humour contingent.

BLACK COCK
Look, I swear these are actual grocery brands ! I think these people make soup stock / instant noodles. Actually a lot of these brand-names comes from that particular product class … must be something to do with Asian manufacturers, and the resultant predominance of Ingrish packaging. I still wouldn’t drink a fŨcking soup called Black Cock though …

BUCKET O MEAT
Not a KFC variety bucket, I think this is another noodle brand. Or possibly John Holmes’ coffin …

COCK
Black Cock soup for white supremicists, Hitler Youth and Ann Coulter. Go on, get some cock in you, you know you want it …

DOUBLE SWALLOW
To paraphrase the sheer genius that was Kevin Smith (before he went and made ‘Dogma’ and ‘Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back’) – “37. My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks !” One guess what kind of product these people make …. yes, thaaaats right …. instant noodles !

GOURMET GRANDMA
No post ostensibly invoking dubious sexual references would be complete without throwing in something for the MILF brigade. “Gourmet Grandma you say Bob ? What a fantastic idea for a brand-name. Now please excuse me … I HAVE TO GO PUKE OUT MY INTESTINES BEFORE GETTING MY FRIEND TO RUN ME OVER TO TAKE THE PAIN AWAY !!!”

That’s it y’all. Expect more regular updates now my girlfriend is back from overseas, and my mind is therefore (somewhat more) sane again …

Listening To: Drum & Bass Arena: Various Artists

(Reuters A.P) Friday 18th February, 2005. Bangor, Maine -

A local man has filed a lawsuit with the Bangor District Court, suing Stephen King Memorial Hospital for allegedly giving him the wrong penis in the aftermath of a bizarre industrial accident. In what is sure to be closely watched case, the plaintiff David Johnston, alledges surgeons at the hospital failed to exercise ‘common sense’ and medical prudence while re-attaching his severed member and that of another man, Wesley Boone, and this resulted in his receiving the wrong schlong. Hospital officials and Boone however, maintain there has been no mix-up and Boone is reported as being “very happy with the job the surgeons have done. My dick works fine, I couldn’t be happier, and neither could my girlfriend”.

Both men were employees of the Bangor Lumber Mill when the accident happened. Although neither of them is willing to publicly clarify the details of exactly what occured, a number of witnesses have indicated the men were playing a dangerous game of nerves involving the circular saw, which misfired. “Yesiree, Rooster or Cock is what the we call it” says Jeff Moisley, another sawmill employee. “Now don’t get me wrong – we ain’t faggots or anythin’. But it’s sumthin’ the guys play on Fridays, after a long week and a coupl’a brewskis. It’s a macho, truth or dare, mano e mano kind of thing” Moisley continues.

“What happens is … [that] both guys whip out their piece, facing eachother on opposite sides of the conveyor belt. They put their cocks either side of a log and then move along with the log as it rides the conveyor towards to saw. The first guy to chicken out and pull his cock off the log loses. The loser has to buy everyone dinner” Moisley tells us, before taking a pause to reflect and chew on his tobacco. “I guess neither of ‘em wanted to lose” he finishes with a grin. Others however deny his version of events. “No way !” says Brad Arnoff, the mills OH&S officer. “Bangor Lumber Mill employees have never played Rooster or Cock, and never will”, claims Arnoff. “C’mon miss, d’ya really think grown men and responsible sawmill employees would flop their cocks out next to a circular saw ? That’s crazy talk, and if I find out which sonafabitch has been tellin’ you otherwise, I’m gonna’ tan his hide ! Umm, don’t quote me on that” he tells us.

Whatever the truth of the matter, Johnston and Boone were both rushed to Stephen King Memorial at 5:48 pm on November the 12th last year, suffering massive blood-loss and with their penises severed. A frantic search then ensued at the sawmill to try locate their missing members. “If ya’ ask me, Dave’s lucky he’s got a cock at all” says Jeff Moisley, “… on account of we couldn’t find his piece at first” he continues. “Oh sure, we found Wes’s weapon of mass destruction right away, there among the blood, and piss, and sawdust. But we couldn’t find Dave’s dick anywhere … and we got the ambulance guys a hollerin’ at us to find it soon or the doctors wouldn’t be able to re-attach it, and we got Lucy the accounts girl from upstairs goin’ all green and lookin’ like she’s gonna faint … and it’s just a mess” recalls Moisley.

“Then ‘Spazzo’ Farrelli – the retard kid we got cleanin’ the toilets … he starts a’laughin’. We’re like ‘what you laughin’ at, retard ?’ and he’s pointin’ at Arnoff’s dog Blackie, who’s been over in the corner chewin’ on somethin’ and who we ain’t been payin’ attention to. And f*ck me, if it ain’t got Dave’s cock in it’s mouth !” says Jeff Moisley with a chuckle, spitting out a stream of tobacco juice. Once found, paramedics confirm both penises were rushed to the hospital on ice where surgeons re-attached them to the men using delicate micro-surgery. This is where Johnston’s case comes in, and where his account differs from that of Boone.

Wesley Boone and the hospital staff all claim the correct penis was attached to each man. “I’ve always been a bit … shall we say … gifted in the bedroom department” claims Boone, “[and] part of that I guess is because … aw shucks … well because my cock is so big. I can show ya’, if you’d like little lady” he offers, although we respectfully decline to take him up on this offer. Johnston however disagrees. “Look, Wes’s nickname at school was always ‘Where’s Wesley’s Dick’ ” he says. “I mean, I’m sorry, but not all men are created equal. Before the accident, my schlong was 12 inches long … and Wes would have been lucky to crack a fat that measured anything over 3 inches. I should know, since I’ve got his dick now, and I’ve measured it !!!” Johnston tells us bitterly.

“It’s not like it’s that hard to tell our cocks apart, either” continues Johnston. “I mean, any frikkin retard can see the hospital made a mistake ! So why is they denyin’ it ? A five year old could see they gone and given me the wrong dick !” he rages. “Why is that ?” we ask, although we already know what’s coming. “Well shit, honey … think about it … I’m a black man … and Wes Boone is a trailer-trash honkey piece of shit ! I know he’s lovin’ it, and his missus is definitely lovin’ it … goin’ from Wes the Wee Willy Winky before tha’ accident to havin’ her own big, black cock after. Of course he ain’t gonna complain, or support me in suin’ the hospital. But them doctors really shoulda’ been more careful, and made sure they sewed the right cock on the right guy” he replies, punching himself in the groin a few times for emphasis.

“Personally, I think all them white doctors couldn’t stand a bruttha’ like me bein’ better endowed than all of ‘em put together, an’ so when they got this chance to do somethin’ about it they took it … and my cock along with it !” rages Johnston. Racism in Bangor ? Perhaps .. who knows. One thing is for sure though – don’t play Rooster or Cock next time you’re at the sawmill, gentlemen, or who knows what the terrible consequences may be.

Listening To: Remedy (Pre-Op) : Various Artists

Meme completely ripped off from my favourite chick, the lovely Imaginary Girl …

The Exchange Student

Typical Names: Asha, Svetlana, Inga

This girl is the classic, gorgeous, exotic cutey from lands afar. Maybe you meet while working together at a call-centre (classic backpacker job), maybe you pick her up at Scubar or a similar backpacker pub, or perhaps you first spot her at someone’s university BBQ. Regardless of where you meet her, the sparks fly as soon as you two lock eyes, and before you know it you’re getting a fix of exotic flava on a regular basis while your mates are still stuck with the homegrown variety. You lucky bastard, right ? Wroooong !

The Pros:
If you like exotic flavas, this mamacita will get your motor running. Your mates will be green with envy too …

The Cons:
Think about it bro – she’s an exchange student. Chances are, even if you fall for her big-time, she’ll be out of the country in 6 to 12 months, and there’s not a lot you can do about it. Something else you probably don’t realise – you’re just as much of an ‘exotic flava’ for her as she is for you. You’re part of her ‘exchange student experience’ … but at the end of the day she’s not from here, and she’s probably going to go back home and have babies with someone from her own country, not a white-trash-honkey like you. Even if she doesn’t, you will forever find yourself getting paranoid when she’s around guys from her own culture. Thus, although seemingly an attractive proposition if you can land one, my advice would be to stay away from this type !

The Secret Lover

Typical Names: Mai, Susan, Amanda

Another exotic cutey, the Secret Lover may be combined with the previous type already mentioned or she may be a homegrown variety, albeit with migrant parents. Most prevelant among East Asian cultures, you’re likely to meet this girl out with a group of her friends at a trendy city nightspot like Establishment or Tank. Or perhaps she’s your personal share broker at HSBC, then you get to talking one day, take her out for dinner … and suddenly you’re back at your place (never her place) eating sushi off her naked stomach. It’s all good … or so you think.

The Pros:
If you have a yen for Asian girls or Filipinas, this type could provide you with an interesting distraction.

The Cons:
There’s a reason this girl is called The Secret Lover … and that reason is you ! It’s all good, until you start noticing you never meet any of her friends (she didn’t start talking to you at the club until her girlfriends had left), she won’t introduce you to her parents, and she won’t hold hands with you or show any affection when you’re out in public, especially if you’re in Chatswood Chase or anywhere else her relatives are likely to be. You know what ? That’s never going to change, because you are her dirty little secret. Sure, you can probably do it for a while … but trust me when I say there comes a point sooner or later when being someone’s ‘secret gaidjin shame’ loses its appeal !

OoohMaGaaawd AKA Effie

Typical Names: Andrea, Soula, Danielle

This type is definitely homegrown, but only just. You’ll run into her playing the pokies at Penrith Panthers, out on the dancefloor with a group of her cousins at Positivo … or just about anywhere that wog-youth congregate, including many McDonalds carparks. If you can get past the jealous male cousins and protective brothers in the first place, you’re in like Flynn.

The Pros:
Contrary to popular belief, this type tends to be pretty loyal and will stick by you through thick and thin once you’ve won her heart. She may (or may not) be a great dancer, and she also tends to look pretty hot, at least while she remembers to depillate and before she hits her late 20′s to early 30′s.

The Cons:
She’s got cousins everywhere, and her dad is possessive to the point of mania. That’s not the worst of it though. The worst of it is all of them are adamant she stays a virgin until her marriage night – she may or may not agree. Assuming you can talk her around to the ‘try before you buy’ way of thinking in the first place, you’re going to spend your entire relationship worrying about possible castration at the hands of the dad, the cousins and the 7 brothers if they ever find out you are in fact sticking it to their little bellisima. On top of that, if you ever do anything wrong by her like cheating, get ready to move suburbs matey boy and don’t leave a forwarding address, because you can bet Joe, Spirro and all the other cousins are going to be around your place quicker than you can say “Is that a club-lock in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me ?”. And it ain’t gonna be pretty !

The Borg AKA Single White Female

Typical Names: Who cares ? She’d change it to yours if she could !

This type is really insidious, because you can meet her just about anywhere, and at first she seems pretty cool. You have a few things in common, which is probably how you met in the first place, but there are definitely enough differences to keep things interesting. Then you hook up, and slowly the borg-assimilation process starts. Only it’s not you that’s being assimilated, it’s her ! Slowly but surely, this chick will begin to turn herself into a female clone of you, taking on your interests, favourite bands, hanging out at all the places you do, doing her best to insert herself into all your groups of friends and every social gathering you would normally go to. All without questioning any of the underlying reasons you are the way you are, or dig the things you do. Eventually, like the flat-mate character in the movie from which her other moniker is derived (“Single White Female”) she will just start to scare you with her determination to BE you.

The Pros:
It’s good to have stuff in common with your partner, and it can be kind of flattering in the early stages to think “wow, I must be so cool, if this chick wants to be more like me”.

The Cons:
Unless you’re a complete narcissist, f*cking yourself quickly loses its appeal. Also, you know sooner or later she’s gonna pull out the kitchen knife and accuse you of not “being true to what you used to believe in” or some such rubbish. Hell, your mates might even start preferring her company to yours, since she’s into all the same shit you are plus she has a nice set of knockers ! That being the case, eventually she might even cheat on you with one of those mates, and then you’re in an all new world of hurt ! Just don’t go there.

Illsa, She-Wolf Of The SS

Typical Names: Ingrid, Shayne, Tracy

With her corn-stalk blonde hair and piercing blue eyes, she could have been a poster-child for the Hitler Youth. You tell her this, and she just laughs and says “yeah, I think I would have liked that”. You’re most likely to meet her at a National Front rally, a Young Liberals meeting, or drinking with the bikers down at the Bourbon & Beefsteak. She’s 6-foot-2, she’s got more tattoos than your uncle Trevor, she can drink you under the table and still headbutt the poor maltese guy who just pinched her arse unconscious, and she rides a Harley. But somehow she takes a shine to you, and before you know it you’re all sweaty, tied to the bed in the squat she shares with 5 skin-heads from Bristol, and she’s screaming at you “bite that nipple harder, you soft fŨcker !”

The Pros:
Not many, unless you like having your arse paddled and share her views on ‘The Jewish Problem’.

The Cons:
She’ll throw out all your Zen Collection, Buddha Bar, Panjabi MC and other asian-influenced CD’s, along with pretty much anything else remotely interesting. She’ll stop you seeing any of your wog friends, she’ll fight with Tongan bouncers, she will throw bricks through the windows of kebab shop you’ve been going to since you were 12 and call Mr.Mavridis your neighbourhood grocer a “greasy wop c*nt” at the top of her voice while the shop is full of customers. She and her bikey friends will sleep over at your place for days on end, scaring your flatmate and your cat, and one day she will try to kill you when she finds out you pashed an Indian girl last week when you were drunk and she and her mates were up in Newcastle for another big bikie rally.

Wicca The Witch

Typical Names: Xanthia, Morgana, Claire

She thinks she’s Fiona Horne, but more often than not she’s just a big, fat loser in a cheap black dress with a tendency to wear too much silver jewelry and mascara. You’re likely to meet her at a goth club, the uni winter solstice celebration, or at a Placebo in-store signing. Maybe it’s the love-spell she cast last week, or more likely the half bottle of absinthe you drank earlier in the day and chased down with a bongful or three of Nimbuns finest bud – whatever the reason, you find yourself writhing in bed with this pale skinned creature, listening to The Cure and trying to ignore her two cats clambering over you.

The Pros:
It’s conceivable she’s got a pretty cool record collection if you’re into the ‘darker’ end of the spectrum, and she’s bound to be ‘in touch with her kundelini / lower chakra’ so the sex could be pretty mind-blowing.

The Cons:
There’s nothing actually wrong with pagans, but Wicca The Witch just takes it too far ! She tries to read your tea-leaves when you just want to drink a cuppa, she has to stay home and commune with the spirits when all you want to do is go out and knock back a few spirits, and her shit will start to grate on your nerves quicker than you can say “Alistair Crowley was a legal clerk before he became an occult figurehead”.

Mrs. Self-Destruct

Typical Names: Blaire, Jodie, Anna

You’ll meet this girl at your local, when you’re fired up on 12 bourbons and a half-gram of mescaline. The freaky thing is, you have the same dealer. You’ll show her the knife scar you got last week when those homeboys tried to jump you in Mary Street, and she’ll show you an identical scar she got when someone tried to mug her for the speedballs she was running as a favour for your mutual dealer. You think this a match made in heaven ? Dream on, loser boy !

The Pros:
She’s as fŨcked up as you are. “Finally … someone who understands me and my shit …”

The Cons:
She’s as fŨcked up as you are. “Baby … wake up baby … this shit isn’t funny … hey … breathe dammit … breathe I said … hey … help … someone HELP … my fŨcking girlfriend’s OD’ing HEEEELLLLP !”

And that’s about where I’ll leave it for now, as it’s Friday and it’s home time ! (yaaaaaay) Doubtless a second installment will follow some time later this week, as there are quiet a few more types I can think of *smirk* Have a great weekend y’all !

Listening To: No One Ever Really Dies : N.E.R.D

Most people think they can’t extract better than factory standard performance from their Llama. But DB is here to tell you this is simply a nasty ridiculous vicious lie rumour friends and fans, and with only a few minor tweeks you too can increase your Llama’s performance by anything between 80 to 150%, depending on the model. Just follow the steps below:

(1) Locate the Llamas anterior service port.

On most models, you’ll find this on the animals left buttock, just above and slightly behind the left hind leg. The exceptions to this rule are the ‘El Mucho Loco’ Llamas produced by the Rodriguez Brothers factory in Bolivia, and the ‘Sendero Luminoso Llama XP+’ units from NarkSoft Systems of Columbia. The former have their anterior service ports on the right-hand side, while the latter manufacturer has taken the unusual step of hiding the service port on the animals under-side, behind a hinged false-testicle configuration.

(2) Using a standard ¼-inch Phillips Head Screwdriver, remove the service port cover.

This shouldn’t present a problem on any of the models, although the additional use of a tranquiliser gun is advised in the case of the aformentioned ‘Sendero Luminoso’ XP+’s … although their testicles are indeed false and must be levered up to access the service port, the Llamas don’t know that and can get understandably agitated when someone tries to poke them in the nads with a screwdriver. And believe me fans, the last place you want to be is the wrong end of an angry Llama !

(3) Within the anterior service port, you’ll find the animals compliance plates and manufacturer information tag.

Note down the Llamas chasis number, series identification code and favourite alcoholic beverage on a piece of random scrap paper. Then get distracted by your partner yelling that dinner is ready, jam the scrap paper into your pocket and forget about overclocking the Llama for the next three days. By the time you next attempt to work on the Llama, you will have lost the scrap of paper and have to go through the first 3 steps again. This time around, don’t bother with the chasis number or the series identification code – all you really need to know is the Llamas favourite alcoholic beverage.

(4) Using a 4.5¾-cubit Gripley, remove the anterior spittle-inhibitor to expose the Llama’s co-processor socket.

Be very careful not to damage the inhibitor while doing this, or your Llama will be prone to uncontrolled spittle build-up and hocking excessive loogeys from that day forward. Also, note that the ‘El Mucho Loco’ factory models don’t have a spittle inhibitor as such – they simply use a modified saliva-tract which, while effective in curbing excessive spittle build-up, also gives their Llama’s indigestion and a resulting grouchy disposition. ‘El Mucho Loco’ models simply have a leather socket-cover modelled in the likeness of Jesus – which can be removed using the plastic spoon from a McSundae.

(5) Depending on what your Llamas favourite alcoholic beverage is, you need to install one of the following chips within the co-processor socket:

(A) Vodka or Tequila
Install a Red-Bull chip.

(B) Bourbon or Rum
Install a Coke chip.

(C) Vermouth
Install a secondary Vermouth processor, and be sure to feed your Llama a couple of green olives once every few days.

(D) Absinthe
Regardless of anything else the compliance plates and manufacturer information tags say, you’ve been sold an ‘El Mucho Loco’ Llama, which may or may not also have the required saliva-tract modification. More often than not the chasis number will be along the lines of ‘XXX-666-XXXXX-wO0T’. You really don’t need to overclock these babies – a Llama that drinks absinthe is sure to be one nasty piece of work already ! But if you really, really, REALLY want to overclock one of these things anyway, then install a Sprite chip in its co-processor socket. Just don’t blame me if it runs around town smashing up crockery and spitting at policemen, and then tries to eat your first-born while claiming loudly in an unearthly, demonic voice “I am Pazuzu, destroyer of worlds, weep and tremble mere mortal, for the time has come to wedge a red hot poker firmly between the buttocks of your pitiful earhtly existence”.

(6) Finally, replace the service port cover and reset your Llamas behaviour codex, using the rectal micro-switch located in all cases about 8 inches up the animals rear passage.

The use of an(other) tranquiliser dart is recommended at this point, along with rubber gloves and a good supply of water-based lubricant. KY-Jelly or Wetstuff tend to be good brand choices, although I’ll leave the flavour selection to you.

That’s it – enjoy, grooveriders !

Listening To: Grand Theft Audio : Resin Dogs

Allright groovers … Disappearing Boy is so bored at work right now he’s about to sink to a new all-time low in time-wasting depravity !!! Here for the curious is a list of my current Top 10 Celebrity Shags … feel free to critique and / or compile your own !

(1) Jessica Alba

Truth be told, I only ever watched one or two episodes of “Dark Angel”, and I still haven’t seen “Honey” … but who cares ? Dark-haired beauty with great legs, great smile, and surprisingly normal fashion sense for a Hollywood celebrity (apart from an unfortunate tendency to wear dresses over jeans … hellooo .. Jess … that’s a BAAAD look !) … I think we have a winner, folks !

(2) Salma Hayek

“Ch-ello, my name’s Salma, and I’m a busty, brunette, latin Goddess. Quinten Tarantino sucked my foot in ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’, and I grow a pretty mean lookin ‘mo if I forget to depillate, but right now I just wanna know … are you gonna go my way ?” Does a bear shit in the woods baby ?

(3) Angelina Jolie

By all accounts, John Voigt’s daughter is a knife collecting, tattoo loving, bisexual, nyphomaniac, with an affinity for snakes and a penchant for carrying around people’s blood in vials. To which I say … “hey, you got a problem with that ? Look at her legs, look at her arse … look at those lips fer chrissakes !” Fair enough … Billy Bob Thornton has been down there which is a bit of a creepy thought, but you’d just have to do your best to block that out of your mind I guess and concentrate on matters at hand …

(4) Julie Delphie

Blonde, French and utterly divine. Notable for roles in ‘Three Colours White’, ‘Killing Zoe’ and ‘Before Sunrise’ … I don’t think any more needs to be said really …

(5) Paris Hilton

You know, it’s funny. Back in the day, my reaction to the Pamela Anderson + Tommy Lee video was “well, well, well … you skanky, trailer-trash ho … why doesn’t this surprise me ?”. But I got the Paris tape the other day and I’ve actually ended up feeling really sorry for her as a result, because it’s readily apparent to even the most cynical observer how completely niave verging on the retarded this girl was at the time, and how shamelessly Shannen Doherty’s ex (Rick Soloman) exploited that for his own ends ! Mind you it wouldn’t stop me from doing the dirty with the heiress in question. “Saaay … Paris … have you got a minute ? I think you’re really sexy … no that’s right, I never liked Delta Goodram either …”

(6) Sarah Michelle Gellar

“Hi I’m Sarah, but you can call me Buffy. Everyone else does …” “That’s OK baby. Say … have you ever been ‘staked’ ?” “No, why ?” “Well, I got a pretty special stake right here in my pants, and …” “Can my husband watch ?” “What ? Freddie Prinze ? He’s gay ? You gotta be kidding me !”

(7) Halle Berry

Well I’ve certainly never been averse to a bit of mocha, if you know what I mean. And having an Oscar or two under her belt doesn’t hurt either. Although … she could definitely leave the cat-suit at home methinks … coz that was a stinker of a movie !

(8) Delta Goodram

OK so I’d be lying to Paris Hilton … Granted, Delta shits me … her songs shit me, her massive media over-exposure shits me even more, and I really don’t give a toss about the whole thing with Mark Phillipousis. But she’s pretty (even prettier now with the dark-bob hairstyle), and as long as she didn’t try sing at me I think I could bring myself to forgive the Australian media’s fascination with her, at least for a little while. “Saaay … Delta … have you got a minute ? I think you’re really sexy … yeah, that’s right, that Paris chick is a real bitch …”

(9) Gwynneth Paltrow

Very, very tragic, I know. But if anyone epitomises the term “yummy mummy”, it’s Bruce & Blythe’s oft-maligned daughter. “Hi, I’m Gwyneth … have you seen my husband anywhere ?” “Sorry, you mean that tosser from Coldplay ? I think I saw him fighting with a Paparazzo a little while back. Tell you what though, I’ve got something in my pants that looks a bit like your husbands cranium … would you like to see it ?”

(10) Jude Law

Don’t get me wrong gang, I don’t normally swing both ways. But I think for this particular specimen of supreme male godliness, I could make an exception. He smouldered in ‘Gatteca’ as the bed-ridden specimen of genetic perfection, rocked in ‘The Talented Mr. Ripley’ as good-time boy Dicky Greenleaf, and stole the show in AI as Gigolo Joe. With his piercing blue eyes and fantastic bone-structure, there’s only one thing to say. “Hey Jude, how you doing man ? Say, I dropped my soap just over there by your foot, would you mind bending over to pick it up for me ?”

And there you have it guys, for what its worth those are my Celebrity Top 10 of the moment … what are yours ?